Thursday, October 27, 2016

Femininity in our culture

It occurs to me just how significant it is that we live in a culture and society where femininity is weaknesses.  Femininity is emotional, but emotion is not strength. Even I grew up extremely uncomfortable with my femininity and femininity in general.  I still struggle to embrace it as a strength and to be strong in my befriending of other women in life.  Women and femininity make me uncomfortable.  Perhaps it is how it has been portrayed  by our culture.  Perceived weakness is uncomfortable.  This is such a serious issue and truly sad.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Important things I have learned this quarter

Hello Internet!  Here is a list of important things that I have learned this quarter.

I love being a musician.
I also like solving math problems.
I treasure my walks. I treasure hiking &  nature.
"Me-time" or time spent on relaxing is really important in each day.
I really like raisins. I also like celery.
I am Intolerant to onions,  and garlic.
I am probably allergic to hazelnuts.  I am at least Intolerant.
I love my family a lot.  Family is important to me.
Friends are also really important to me.

Friday, October 21, 2016


When you see something someone else has which you also want, and for what ever reason think that you can never have.

Men with Sisters or The Power of the Feminine Touch

I have dated 2 guys now;  Both of which have at least one brother and no sisters.  But since the last one broke up with me,  I have gotten close to two other young men,  both of which have at least one sister. 
There's a completely different vibe. 
These guys seem to be much gentler; about little things.  I also feel like they are much more appreciative of me as a woman than my ex-boyfriends were.  Okay,  so,  being fair,  there is an obvious bias here in that I was dating those guys and now I am not,  but these with sisters have only been good friends.  Still,  I find a significant difference enough worth mentioning.
This is something I actually really appreciate.  These two young men with sisters seem to be a lot more conscious of all that women go through emotionally, but also a lot more sensitive to their differences from men's. They feel more appreciative and respectful.  It's a nice change and it occurred to me that merely having a sister or not could have quite a bit to do with that change. 
I suppose one way of putting it is that these men are more in touch with their inner anima.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Even still I find that

I am like a child; crying out for mom and dad to fix me; me and my problems in life,  my fears and insecurities. Only,  it isn't mom and dad anymore. 

Sunday, October 16, 2016

It's addictive

When you are drinking poison and you laugh, thinking it's funny because you like the taste.

So you begin to rationalize, "Maybe it isn't poison. Maybe it isn't poison..." or "Maybe if I only take one sip. Just a few sips.. Wait a while then take another sip later; Way later, maybe then.  Maybe it's been long enough.  Let me take another sip."

Friday, October 7, 2016

Don't be a "Bubble Christian"

"Bubble Christian" is a name I have given a type of Christianity where people only do christian things & only hang out with christian people. American/Western Protestantism has a lot of this which has always stuck out to me and bothered me. It felt wrong on many levels and I am now beginning to understand how to explain why.

The number one important thing that I think most Christians agree on when it comes to being a Christian is "Love your neighbor as yourself." So, the first thing I think of when I am analyzing a common Christian practice or attitude is: "Does is hinder your ability to love your neighbor?". I believe that the ability to love your neighbor comes from getting to know your neighbor and that alienating yourself from any certain type of people prevents that. Thus: my notion of "bubble Christianity"; You can not love someone, a group of people, or a type of person that you do not know. Jesus wandered and talked and met with all kinds of people; the outcasts. 

So, here's the issue I see. A community on it's own is good. I believe that people were made to be together and a community, even and especially in worship or for religious purposes can be very good. Where people go wrong is when they start thinking about themselves first. "I am going to be saved because I did my part in spreading the word of God". Perhaps it takes a group of like-minded individuals which create this atmosphere which turns into something which is not healthy, positive or inclusive, and people close themselves off to the outside world because it's "safer" and mostly, "easier". I think the worst part of this is how so many people are raised to be closed off to other parts of society. They are brought up going to Christian schools, listening to Christian music and only being allowed to hang out with other Christians. Often parents in this category will build up a list of things that a "Christian" child should do and should not do with more "should-not"s than I think anyone should have. This is the issue I have so much problem with.
People learn from experience. If they learn that they can take risks and that there may be a consequence and that if there is, they will have to figure out how to deal with it, they are much more set up to be a successful member of society and be able to take care of themselves in their life better as well. Long-story-short, I think that controlling is never a healthy answer. Especially if you want your children to continue believing in that faith. To me it is crazy to think that anything would appeal to someone which forces them to do or be anything. You can not be a true Christian or a true person if you can not be your true self.
This is something, that as an Orthodox Christian, I am very thankful for. In the Orthodox Church, honesty and authenticity has always been something that is rewarded and looked highly upon. I learned at a young age, that being genuine and being a Christian can and should go hand-in-hand, but when I see other protestant denominations, I feel fear because it doesn't feel like being genuine is even accepted in some cases. I see things that look like they encourage people to be cookie-cutter replicas of each other and it is one of the most distasteful things in this world to me. When people are pressured into being friends just because they are both Christian, that is when I get up and walk away.

Unfortunately, I have even seen Orthodox Christians get into this mindset of what I would consider to be closing yourself off to other types of people and thus hindering your ability to get to know and love them. In this case, rather than people being totally in their own world, what I really see a lot of is this surrounding yourself with lots of Orthodox Christian things; books, music, practices etc. This, on its own I think can be very good. And many of these people have a lot of Orthodox Christian friends (or maybe even only Orthodox Christian friends) (which on some level, I may envy or judge because I have never been able to fit myself into a category or befriend numerous people of my same religion). These people, if given the opportunity, will welcome people into their group like most Christians would say they would. And even, I think with much more sincerity and honesty of heart.

The point I am arguing is that you can't be inclusive and open to different kinds of people if you don't go out yourself and get to know them. Different kinds of people aren't going to come to you. More often than not, they aren't.
But I do want to say, there is a significant difference between what I see in Orthodox Christians and Protestant Christians when it comes to this. With Orthodox Christianity, I think the concern is more about getting too much pride and forgetting to reach out to people who are not Orthodox Christian like you. I think it is safe to confidently say, this concept of "bubble Christianity" is much less common (and on a much smaller scale when it is) for Orthodox Christians because in America, we ourselves are minorities. I can't imagine being an Orthodox Christian who won't be friends with anyone who isn't Orthodox. If you were going to a public school, you wouldn't be making friends with anyone. If you were really lucky, you may have one friend, but you may not even get along. I think in every case, it is stupid to force friendships. I think that you can still "love" (in a Christian way) or respect and care about (in other terms) someone without being their friend. That is something that I think you have to do to be a healthy person. I also think public school is beneficial for people to learn how to work with people from a young age who are different.

Remembering to reach out to people who aren't necessarily like you and don't have the same religion or beliefs is important. On another note, it is important in humbling ourselves and not letting ourselves feel that we are better because we are Christian. Thinking that you are better because you are Christian or that all Christians are magically saved by being Christian defeats the whole purpose of being a Christian. It is so easy to go wrong here, and so dangerous and when I witness this go wrong, it makes me sick.

I think that for Orthodox folk, this can be an important reminder that we should not only be genuine with ourselves first, but also be grounded enough in our faith that we can reach out and connect with people who are not necessarily Orthodox. For me, that has been essential in my life, and connecting with other Orthodox Christians is a new thing for me despite going to church on Sundays growing up.

The key to this woman's heart is through her stomach


Food has been a reoccurring topic in my life. For many people, food is just food. It is there, it exists to be eaten and it is something we (as a first world country) generally have access to. So we eat, we live, and at some point, we eat again.
In my life, food has played a somewhat more complex role. I need it for my health, but also my sanity. If I don't get it when I need it, my blood sugar drops quick and I have a history of getting very hangry; moody, irrational, pissy. If I don't get the right kind of food when I need it, all hell breaks loose. It is a bad sight, so I learned pretty quick that food is something that I have to always make a priority. 
In addition to food (culturally) being an extremely important social part of my life, the lack of the right kind of food when I need it frequently creates an enormous amount of anxiety and panic in me. Eating nutritious, nourishing food calms me down in these cases and leaves me feeling at ease when nothing else ever could or will. After eating a healthy meal that agrees with me, I get a renewed energy and feel like I can conquer the world (or you know; my daily tasks). Eating healthy food not only keeps me from turning into a bitch monster from hell, but eating good food with others creates an almost essential feeling of stability in my life.

Now, you may have noticed, I have been describing "food" in most all of these cases as "good", "healthy", or "nutritious" and "nourishing" and no, I am not going to be talking about what diet is healthiest and best for you. Selling a specific diet is not what I am about. [Interjection: Everybody's body functions differently, and while I think universally we all need to eat less sugar and more vitamin-rich things like fruits/vegetables, that is the most advice you will get out of me.] The reason why I must reference my eating of food in this context as a "meal that agrees with me" is that I have IBS or irritable bowel syndrome. Yes, this is a real thing, and it really sucks. Having digestive issues and sensitive stomachs has always run in my family, but finally in the last 2-3 years, my symptoms and issues have gotten way worse. Hurray!

For me, the first sign of my IBS was chronic constipation. Then, a gluten-intolerance, and now, I have leveled up to the land of "almost everything will fuck you up haha good luck have fun, oh and ps: you now get muscle cramps and pain in your lower abdomen off and on, but pretty much constant". (Don't worry, my doctors are involved in my life)
So, eating is a struggle. On the upside, being gluten free has been a part of my life for near 4 years now so I have basically gotten the hang of it. :( It is very sad, but it's practically the least of my concerns now. And anyway, this blog post was not supposed to be about my sob story!!

The key to my heart is through my stomach. This is an important note to not only any potential mates (lmao) who may pop by and read this, but also (and more importantly) to myself. I decided this was important and noteworthy of a thing to post on my blog. The reason is I need to learn how to take good care of myself and how to be independent, and making/eating food is something that you just do; when you need to; how you need to. Our culture is built around this notion that you eat whatever-the-heck is easiest and quickest to eat because there is no time to do anything else, but for someone like me, that totally sucks because in order for me to be feeling my best self, mentally and physically, I really need to put a lot of real time and effort into making food for myself. 
It is the hardest thing in the world, and I don't put as much effort as I really should (as I noticed this evening when I had a nice anxious moment). So, among other things, food is a "cross" (burden) I need to bear and a part of my life I need to work on, and I need to remember to be patient with myself because it is hard and it takes constant effort and it will take lots of time. Right now I am in college, and I constantly need to reevaluate my priorities in order to stay on top of things. "Adulting" is new and foreign and terrifying to me, so it will just take time and practice. I can't expect results overnight (as I tend to).
This is also a significant notion/statement because, if you are a person who wants to learn how to take care of me, or how to help me take care of me, or how to not only relieve stress in my life, but have a good time with me, cook.. with.. me. I mean, if you want. If it is something you feel like you can help with and want to do, then, well, do. Mostly, I am realizing this is just one of those things that I have to face on my own and step up my game instead of procrastinating on practicing it, and running away from it because like most things in life, far away it looks much bigger and harder and scarier, but when you get down to it, it's actually pretty simple and even therapeutic and fun. These are my words of wisdom which hopefully I will start listening to and acting on.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Molten Heartbreak

Pulsing thump of heartbeat
Rhythm of the ticking inside your head;
Ever ticking

Your limbs feel weak
Your extremities numb with feeling

It seems your heart draws you far and draws you near
Total death and destruction

Nail-biting, chalk-scraping
bloody fangs venison feast

You are an animal
Daring at every turn to mount your prey and mate

It sucks the life out of you
It wipes your slate clean
It dulls the color of your innards
Your bones turn black.

Searing flesh
Your urge burns like a fire
It settles like coal on your tongue

You self-destruct
because you want to find love.
You pump toxin into your veins.
The syringe is a memory.