Thursday, May 19, 2016

My life calling

I have lived my whole life in fear.  Fear of being noticed.  Of drawing attention. Of being rejected,  criticized.  It has held me back from so much.  I was born a singer. It has always been my love in life.  What guides me and drives me and keeps me whole and sane. I have always expressed,  related,  connected and learned through art but I always knew I wasn't meant to draw.  I don't know why.  And I loved concerts more than I could ever describe, but if I ever imagined myself on that stage, I casted it away because it wasn't for me. It could never be me.  Perhaps deep down I think I knew I was just too afraid. So, no matter how much it called to me or spoke to me, "it wasn't for me.."  Except it was.
I didn't realize just how much; Not even after I finally joined choir and fell in love with it. 
It wasn't until I moved away from home to college,  met a boy, fell in love and got my heart broken that I realized just how much music was calling to me. I  started spending all of my free time sitting by the music department building to rest, to eat and even to listen to our choral music that we were learning to preform. It was all healing and often the only thing I could turn to which always made me happy.
It has been weeks.  Weeks since I was completely moved by Tonu Korvits "Kreek's Notebook",  fell absolutely in love with it,  obsessed,  infatuated..  Weeks since I realized that I needed more music in my life simply to come to where I am.. I.. Have still hesitated to admit it to myself but I am starting to realize that I have been backed into a corner by my soul.  I was born to be a singer.  So much so that I am forcing myself to do more. I need to. To perform.  On my own.  And I am more excited about it than I have ever been about anything.  More excited and oh so terrified. Being a singer means putting myself out there and being vulnerable,  to everyone. In fact,  I have been fighting this calling so much that at the beginning of the year I was thinking of becoming an environmental psychologist. Then I decided I needed to honestly just do computer science and I realized music. Yes,  music. I need more music. I need to live and breathe music if I am to survive.  It is my sanctuary.  My calling.  So truly.
I realized today,  and was telling my roommate how I would take a break from anything in the world to socialize. Anything. Happily. And then I thought.. Anything except singing. And that's  the truth.  My mother can vouch for me that ever since I could talk, I could sing and when I knew a song and was singing it (which happened often,  & I always could remember any number of songs almost word-for-word) I did not want to stop to answer a question or talk to anyone and sometimes even would often not.  Of course,  once I got older I realized that that was kind of rude,  but to this day I am sometimes faced with that struggle of having to take a break from my music.This is something that I have always,  instinctively poured my heart and soul into.  I love it so much. I am afraid to admit it but I think I need to be a director and/or voice teacher.  This love for singing and classical and choral music has also renewed my love for the piano. I still have so much fear, but I am taking my first baby steps on this new adventure.
I feel stronger after everything I have gone through this year. Like I am finally ready to let the world meet me; like I am meant to be this leader; meant to put myself out there and meant to inspire people and make them cry. I could say that I am not running away from this calling any longer, except I am still considering double-major in computer science (and music)  haha. If anything, to give me a stable career. We will see what happens, but right now I do intend to combine those two things somehow in some way. 
I love you!! Thanks for reading this. I had to say that,  if only just to myself because this is all a really scary, hard and exciting new process for me. You are the first to hear the truth! Thank you for being there to support me through it all!

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