Sunday, May 29, 2016

Conversations In My Head(3)

When you are a single person caught in a moral dilemma:
I feel like it is worse to fantasize about something that isn't yours than to be sexually selfish. 

Friday, May 27, 2016

Sitting thoughts of the forest

 Nature, Energies, Art, Spirituality

I hiked up into the neighboring arboretum today to rest.
I was having a bad day and I needed to get away. It helped.
As I sat there, pondering peace and God and rest, a thought crossed my mind. And things made a lot of sense for a moment.

The energies of the forest and the birds and the insects are very different from that of other humans and even animals. Especially domestic animals. This was a hard thing for me to grasp in some ways for a while. I sometimes think about spirits and energies and where they all sit and how they all interact in this world we live in. So, in this moment, here is what I discovered... The trees and the nature all have a very similar energy. A very calming, living energy. Almost the same energy I would say. A kind of energy that is very connected to the Earth and all of its functions and the ways of life. It is a kind of energy that doesn't get bogged down or distracted or destroyed or even altered by anything else. It always exists in strong, simple ways. It doesn't have a personality. It is very united. And I am talking about trees and plants mostly. The scent is very refreshing and the atmosphere is very calming.

I may have mentioned this before; how I believe that all of these living things we have here on Earth are made out of the loving energy God has given to them. There is this idea that some people perhaps think of or misunderstand, and that is the idea that all life is "equal". In many ways, yes.. All life is equal in that all life deserves extreme love and respect and gentlness, but all life is not equal. It is clear in the way we think, and act and create and it is clear (to an empath like me) in how the energies (or vibes; I guess you could call them) feel and express themselves. There is a reason that trees are calming. It's not that they have their own individual personalities really, although we as humans certainly could attribute some to them (but that would come from us and our use of them in our expression and relation and art). No, trees in their purest form are very much mere images and art created directly from God. And this is ongoing. The life here on Earth, the evolution, the cycles and the connection; it is all an ongoing painting that God is creating right now. This painting expresses something deeply profound; love.

I believe we humans are very different in that all these other living things (paintings of expression) were created (are created) by God as gifts for us. Gifts that we should treasure. Things that we should hold dear, and precious and use as tools for growth (as many of us do). Note that this plays into the spiritual idea of gratitude.

So it became very clear to me at that moment, as I sat in the woods, this idea that all this nature is a gift from God. As an ongoing expression that he his always reaching out to us. This gift of nature is given to us as a tool. In that moment, it was given to me as a gift to find calm and reassurance; inner peace and regeneration in order to be at peace in my mind and take on the rest of my day.

Energies in other animals: domestic animals

I want to touch briefly on my understanding and experience with animals; particularly domestic animals and how they are different from the wildness of nature. To summarize, in my experience in my awareness of energies (readings) of people and animals and things, it has become clear to me that wild nature, like plants and trees are all very much united. Especially when you are surrounded by it in a forest (for example), it is easier to feel and pick up on. I think that wild animals also fall into this category. Their energies don't think or feel in relation to us because their lives consist mainly of instinct.  On the flip side, it is very very clear that humans are bursting with energy. We have energy of different colors and shapes which are much harder to understand and read because we are very emotional and thoughtful and impulsive and irrational creatures. As we know, this can be good or bad. Regardless, it is a fact of humanity that I think we are all familiar with.

What makes a lot of sense to me is an idea I have that people, humans, can and often do (maybe consciously and unconsciously) channel their energy into things. In fact, oh boy do they. I have experiences when I go to places like pawn shops or collecter shops where I get emotional energies bouncing off of things left and right. It can be very exhausting for me to go into a place like that, because subconsciously, I am always trying to understand the things I feel and it is hard for me to distinguish what I feel with what other people are feeling because of that energy that rubs off into things that are important to people. This is actually a really huge thing that I know to be true. People, unlike animals, often put meaning into things, objects. They use these objects or things to relate how they feel, to be creative or expressive and objects that have a close relation to a part of their life, particularly childhood---development levels of growth-- or in relation to deep emotional events, this energy rubs off and sometimes gets stuck. 
This is an interruption, but I tend to have very vivid emotional dreams and I remember having many dreams in my past about specific toys that I had growing up and attaching them to feelings or stories in my head.

So anyway, to relate back to the idea of domestic animals and energies, I really feel that something here is different. Yes, these animals aren't human. They are still animals, but something about them no-longer being wild gives them or strengthens their ability to develop feelings or personalities to an extent. And these different personalities of which I think are largely genetic, (and feelings) are what strengthen and create an ability for a person to bond with a particular animal stronger than another. It is a type of "chemistry", if you will. I think it is likely that these genetic personalities exist in the wild to some extent as well, but they lack that relationship with humans.

Now there is a bunch of psychology stuff about "sense of self" and animals lack-thereof that is coming into my head which I want to find and link onto this post, but as it is time for me to go to sleep, I am instead going to leave this here, and as a reader, you are welcome to comment and start a conversation on this topic.
I also might add something later. 



Thursday, May 26, 2016

Life lesson: You are always okay until you give up

There are times when you realize, no matter how you try,  deep down,  you are not okay. Whatever it is,  it is not okay. It is painful. It is fear. It is grief,  loneliness,  sorrow.  You are not okay.

But life goes on...  Really, it does.  This is just the beginning of a much greater story. With every passing day,  all the trees keep growing and the flowers keep glowing. The people and their smiling and their talking carry on.  It can bring you anger,  jealousy,  or it can bring you inspiration.

No matter what the cause, nor to what extent,  your not being okay will pass. Your body mends itself,  and you should follow its lead.  Do not be afraid of letting go of your troubles and your hurt. The time will come that you see it is your destiny to renew and grow again.

Your mind and heart take so much time, much more time to heal than any broken bones or cuts or scars. It is the way of human life. And it hurts even more when it seems no one in the world can see the wounds that you feel each day on the inside. It will take time,  but you can help yourself heal. Be gentle with your mind and heart as you wish others were to you. Your doubt and fear can be like fuel to the fire, or you can trust and believe in yourself and your fate. The choice is yours.  But in the end, you will be okay.  In the now,  you are okay.  No matter how broken or hurt,  you are mending. You are okay. ❤

Quoting Myself

It's a lonely life when you want so badly to be the perfect wife, perfect lover then a perfect mother that you forget how to be a perfect you.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Bra Awareness Campaign

There is an issue all women face at some point in their life: how to find and buy a good bra for them. Unfortunately, somehow (I haven't the slightest clue) the stores are packed with sizes that don't fit the majority of women. Now, clearly the market has something to do with this. Companies produce (and stores buy) what they sell the most of, and if they sell most of a 34 band size, that is what they will produce, or else (now that I think of it) they are trying to scam people by forcing them to buy bras more often. Now, please, let me teach you fellow women the important facts about bras (or perhaps the men can teach their future wives). Unfortunately, most women don't know and never learn how bras work. The truth is, it's not as complicated as people may think. I want to raise awareness for women so they can be their happiest with their bras and get the most out of them.

Things to know about bras:

Your bra should not be uncomfortable. If it ever is, there is a good chance it isn't your size or shape.

There are many things that go into what can make a bra fit or not fit correctly. I won't go into all of them here, but other than the obvious bra size, breast shape also can play a big role in whether a bra fits comfortably like it should, and knowing your shape of breasts can be very helpful in picking out and finding a bra that fits you best. Obviously, there are resources on the internet, so I will let you research this one on your own if you are interested.



Know your band size first. If you live in America, your band size is just the measurement in inches around your ribcage right underneath your breasts where your bra band would sit. This is the most important measurement and where people always go wrong. For smaller women, your band size is likely anything from 28 to 32 inches. Note that in a store, bras are always listed in band measurements in multiples of 2. For example: in a store like Target, Fredmeyer or even Kohls, you will likely see band sizes: 32, 34, 36, 38, 40, 42, 44, 46, 48 etc.

When you put on a bra, it should be quite snug around the band when you have it on the loosest clip. Your bra band is what keeps your bra supportive. You need your band to be snug if you want the bra to serve its purpose. The reason it should be snug on the loosest clip is so that it has room to stretch (and it will over time) and when it does, instead of having to go out and buy another bra in order to get support, (where my thought of stores scamming you into needing to buy more bras comes in) you use the clip second to the loosest and so on. So, periodically you are tightening the bra based on the clips except you aren't because it is stretching through wear. Resulting, you will always have a bra that is your size and fits well until it is even loose on the tightest clip which should take a while. I hope that makes sense.


After you know your band size, finding the correct cup size is relatively easy. It should fit. No extra space here or there and nothing falling out the sides or front. Now, here is something I know a lot of women run into when they aren't big on bra shopping. "But isn't that too big for me?" People are afraid of the numbers. For some reason, D is glorified as being for big-breasted women and A is labeled as being for small-breasted women. But that's not the case. A bra cup is relative to the band size which is why you never want to start with the cup size. A 34D bra will have a larger cup than a 32 D bra and a 38 D bra will have an even larger cup than that. And contrary to popular belief, DD is nowhere near the largest cup size. There is also E, F, FF, G, GG, H, HH, J, JJ all the way up to N (in Europe it just goes from A to Z without the doubles)

Sister Sizes. There is a thing called "Sister sizes" and what that means is that someone who, when wearing the correct band size is a 30 DD, can also "fit" into a 32 D, 34 C... etc. because the cup sizes increase with the band size. In order to keep the same size, you have to decrease the cup size with every increase in band size. Now, I am not a fan of "Sister sizes" because I really think that everyone deserves to be able to find an affordable bra in their correct band size.  But often, we are stuck with buying and wearing sister sizes because what they carry in stores is more often than not what your correct size is. Especially, for some reason as many of us find, the extremely cute bras (which are always 34 B, C & D)

The issue:

The majority of bras found in stores are 32 A, 32 B, 34 B, 34 C, 34 D, 36 D, 36 DD..  and stores are providing sizes assuming that as our breast size increases, so does our band size (or that if we have larger breasts, we will also have larger band sizes or larger rib-cage circumferences) This is garbage, and so if you want to buy a bra from any mainstream easy-to-find clothing store, you are more often than not going to be forced to buy a sister size or instead go to a specialty bra store like Soma, Nordstrom, or Victoria Secret which have much higher prices and even then, if you are really skinny or you have really large breasts, you may be out of luck because very few places seldom sell anything in a 28 band size, or in a cup size greater than DD, and remember, when your band size gets smaller, your cup size gets larger because the cup sizes are relative to the band size.

So many women live their lives wearing poorly fitting bras. Not only are they uncomfortable, un-supportive but they can often be very unflattering as well. Some people don't know how bra sizes really work, others claim they don't care and others even still start protests against the need for women to even wear bras (in the name of feminism of course). Genuinely, this frustration is completely understandable because of how ridiculous it is to have to go through the simple process of buying a bra when you get stuck with having to wear something uncomfortable and unflattering or leave with a single bra and an empty wallet.

How much better would it be if things changed for us women and the bras you find in stores. What if all it took was a little more education and a little less settling for less than we deserve. Who really knows. What I do know is that it doesn't hurt to try, and it certainly doesn't hurt to take a stand and start the conversation and education. Bras are a part of being a women, and they can be stressful, or they can be a lot of fun. I hope that if you are a women, you go away from this post feeling a little more inspired to take action and find something that works best for you. You deserve it!

Thursday, May 19, 2016

My life calling

I have lived my whole life in fear.  Fear of being noticed.  Of drawing attention. Of being rejected,  criticized.  It has held me back from so much.  I was born a singer. It has always been my love in life.  What guides me and drives me and keeps me whole and sane. I have always expressed,  related,  connected and learned through art but I always knew I wasn't meant to draw.  I don't know why.  And I loved concerts more than I could ever describe, but if I ever imagined myself on that stage, I casted it away because it wasn't for me. It could never be me.  Perhaps deep down I think I knew I was just too afraid. So, no matter how much it called to me or spoke to me, "it wasn't for me.."  Except it was.
I didn't realize just how much; Not even after I finally joined choir and fell in love with it. 
It wasn't until I moved away from home to college,  met a boy, fell in love and got my heart broken that I realized just how much music was calling to me. I  started spending all of my free time sitting by the music department building to rest, to eat and even to listen to our choral music that we were learning to preform. It was all healing and often the only thing I could turn to which always made me happy.
It has been weeks.  Weeks since I was completely moved by Tonu Korvits "Kreek's Notebook",  fell absolutely in love with it,  obsessed,  infatuated..  Weeks since I realized that I needed more music in my life simply to come to where I am.. I.. Have still hesitated to admit it to myself but I am starting to realize that I have been backed into a corner by my soul.  I was born to be a singer.  So much so that I am forcing myself to do more. I need to. To perform.  On my own.  And I am more excited about it than I have ever been about anything.  More excited and oh so terrified. Being a singer means putting myself out there and being vulnerable,  to everyone. In fact,  I have been fighting this calling so much that at the beginning of the year I was thinking of becoming an environmental psychologist. Then I decided I needed to honestly just do computer science and I realized music. Yes,  music. I need more music. I need to live and breathe music if I am to survive.  It is my sanctuary.  My calling.  So truly.
I realized today,  and was telling my roommate how I would take a break from anything in the world to socialize. Anything. Happily. And then I thought.. Anything except singing. And that's  the truth.  My mother can vouch for me that ever since I could talk, I could sing and when I knew a song and was singing it (which happened often,  & I always could remember any number of songs almost word-for-word) I did not want to stop to answer a question or talk to anyone and sometimes even would often not.  Of course,  once I got older I realized that that was kind of rude,  but to this day I am sometimes faced with that struggle of having to take a break from my music.This is something that I have always,  instinctively poured my heart and soul into.  I love it so much. I am afraid to admit it but I think I need to be a director and/or voice teacher.  This love for singing and classical and choral music has also renewed my love for the piano. I still have so much fear, but I am taking my first baby steps on this new adventure.
I feel stronger after everything I have gone through this year. Like I am finally ready to let the world meet me; like I am meant to be this leader; meant to put myself out there and meant to inspire people and make them cry. I could say that I am not running away from this calling any longer, except I am still considering double-major in computer science (and music)  haha. If anything, to give me a stable career. We will see what happens, but right now I do intend to combine those two things somehow in some way. 
I love you!! Thanks for reading this. I had to say that,  if only just to myself because this is all a really scary, hard and exciting new process for me. You are the first to hear the truth! Thank you for being there to support me through it all!

Saturday, May 14, 2016

What I think of as a nice date

I figured this would be worth posting because I am at a stage of life where it is important for me to identify what kind of things I genuinely enjoy and learn more about myself as a person without all of the compromise that comes with a relationship. In the past I have struggled with losing myself in my relationships and I want more than anything to never have that happen to me again. So through my growth process of growing into myself.. here are my ideas about what I would enjoy as dates.

There are lots of different levels to dates. So, I figure I will list them from uber-casual, to casual, to nice to very nice. And these are all things that I personally think I would enjoy. Things are different for everyone, and I think if/when someday I do find a partner again, that this list might expand, but it is important that I say it should not diminish. Here goes:


  • Going to a new place (or a favorite place): coffee shop or park (for a picnic or a walk)
  • Going on a walk somewhere
  • Doing stuff together at home (gaming, cooking, board games, card games, good conversation)


  • Going to a casual event of some kind: improv, comedy, bar.... (when I am 21) 
  • Going out to a nice place for lunch or brunch/breakfast
  • Going on a hike
  • Visiting a state park
  • Going to visit art galleries
  • Going over to partner's house for dinner


  • Going out to a concert: a rock concert or a concert for a favorite artist/musician
  • Going out to a sit-down place for dinner
  • Going out to a nice event of some kind (varies depending on opportunities which arise) 
  • Go visit an art museum

Very Nice

  • Going out to the ballet
  • Going to see the orchestra
  • Going out to see an opera
  • Going out for fancy dinner
 Now, obviously this list is dependent very much on the stage of a relationship with someone; for example, I probably wouldn't expect nor necessarily want someone I just started dating to take me out to a ballet or an opera. But I think this is a nice summary of what I think of when I think of going out on dates with a partner.

Monday, May 9, 2016

"milk and honey" by rupi kaur

For those of you who don't know, "milk and honey" by rupi kaur is a book of poetry about the love and loss and pain that we humans feel.
If you read my blog, you probably know I have had a lot of that in the last couple of years. Things have just been kind-of crazy. So, one of my friends handed me this book and said, "Read it."
It was clear that I was going to read it (or else) so I did. And it was one of the best books I have read in a long time. It touched me so much, and inspired/helped me so much--to feel validated and united with other people who go through or have gone through such similar experiences-- that I want to share with you a number of poems that particularly stuck out to me from this book. I am going to quote them in an order which has personal, significant (chronological) relevance to me.

i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own
i  want to be so complete
i could light a whole city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of us combined could set it on fire

pg. 59

love will come
and when love comes
love will hold you
love will call your name
and you will melt
sometimes though
love will hurt you but
love will never mean to
love will play no games
cause love knows life
has been hard enough already

pg. 60

he placed his hands
on my mind
before reaching
for my waist
my hips
or my lips
he didn't call me
beautiful first
he called me

-how he touches me

pg. 54
what am i to you he asks
i put my hands in his lap
and whisper you
are every hope
i've ever had
in human form

 pg. 49

i want your hands
to hold
not my hands
your lips
to kiss
not my lips
but other places

pg. 73

your name is
the strongest
positive and negative
connotation in any language
it either lights me up or
leaves me aching for days

pg. 67

Well here are some, not even the best or the most impactful. I chose so many, I couldn't narrow it down enough, but with 50 bookmarks or so in this book, and not all the time in the world, I just gave the book back to my friend before I just kept it forever. Alas, these are only a tiny few of the amazing, thoughtful experiences of poetry that were found in this book. 5 stars: would recommend!


Maybe it's time I took a step back.
Took a breath. Stopped to listen.
What is the point, of all the fear?
Why does it matter, what other people think, how other people care?
The truth is, it doesn't. But maybe I am the only one who sees that.
There are so many worse things in the world than being honest with yourself.
And I am. I will be. Honest. It is who I am. How I survive.

Do not worry or despair.
Be grounded. You got this.
Whatever it is, no matter what the trial, you got this.
Hush now, my dear. It's time you rest your head.
Rest your mind. Rest your soul, it's time you go to bed.
The sun has gone to sleep. The earth is sleeping.
Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Let your soul be at peace.
Pray the Lord watch and keep you.
Rest rest rest.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Rant: Life, liberals, the Internet, gripes?

I  take life very seriously. Not life as in our journey; life as in life; creation.  I  take everything from plants to birds to insects to pets to human beings...  All very seriously. They're  precious. I  love them. 
It is disappointing when I go through life or on the Internet and come across two things:
People trying to normalize things like abortion
And people who complain about their periods persistently.  Now,  the first one seems pretty obvious. I mean,  yeah,  alright.  Abortion is very controversial for this moral reason; enough said. 
And I suppose now that I think about it,  there are countless incidents of things on the Internet that just make me sad. People are connecting in many good ways,  but also in bad ones.  People have grouped together and identified together based on their gripes a lot of the time. My example that I used was about girls complaining about periods.  Yeah, we all do it at some point in our lives, but there's also a point where you need to suck it up and be grateful for a body which is able to procreate. I felt really sick when I saw or heard things like: "Why can't we just bleed for 1 hour. Okay! We get it!  We're not pregnant! God should have only given it to us for 1 hour to let us know that."
If only more people understood the benefit of being humbled.
Maybe it's  just that it got old and I was in a mood when I saw it (one too many times) or maybe it was the wording (which I didn't quote because it's just my memory now) but I just got frustrated!  Yes!  Periods suck! So does being homeless or getting limbs amputated or having cancer! Why can't we be grateful! Periods are a part of who we are. It is a cycle which God created for us and it has its place just like any hardship has its place in our lives! It is beautiful!
So anyway, it's not exactly my problem. I  suppose I just needed to rant. There is nothing I can do or say to change the minds of the strangers in the Internet or the people in the world...
But I care. I care because it stands out to me.  I want to urge people to be more mindful and learn gratitude. Gratitude is one of most healing things a person can learn and experience. Truly.