Sunday, April 3, 2016

If I ever date again

Before I begin, I want to give you some context... I have had a rough last 3+ months. Well... technically, I have had a rough time, in general, since.. haha. years. It's been a lot of ups and downs. Lately, especially, a rollercoaster. Not as emotional as in my past. At this point, I feel like a significantly more emotionally stable person than I have been up to this point. No, a rollercoaster in the growing sense. Okay, emotionally too. But anyway. It's complicated. I have intended to write a post about it (started a few) so hopefully I will do that either before I post this, or soon.

If I ever date again, it will be when I have a clean slate. It will be when I am the best me that I can be in that moment on my own as a single person.

Fortunately, I have moved past that guilt stage. What happened in the past was not my fault. Yes, I made a lot of mistakes, but it wasn't just my fault that the relationship didn't work out. He had things he was dealing with and (the) he (of that moment) wasn't ready for someone like (the) me (of that moment). Regardless, I have learned and grown a lot from this experience, so I feel it is in my best interest to document what I have learned; in this case, in the format of what I won't do or will do better in my future of dating.

 If I ever date again, I will go into it with an open mind, a fresh start with no expectations or specific gaps needing to be filled in my life.

When I ever date again, I am going to have a policy of a lack of texting. My relationship needs to be built off a foundation of true inter-personal relations. In-person dates, skype, steam, talking on the phone, but mostly-in person. No mostly-textings. Ever. Again. Ever.

Let me just say something very plainly, There is a time and a place for texting or IMing, but in the big picture, I hate texting. period. Whenever texting gets too-involved, and large amounts of things get discussed over text, things will be misconstrued. If I am going to date someone, I want them to get to know the me who is me  which is something that can only be done over a lengthy period of time in person.
Yes, it breaks my heart that I got dumped for being someone who wasn't mentally equipped to start a new relationship with anyone; that I got judged based off of my bad habits and my baggage and my issues that I hadn't dealt with or learned to cope with.
It absolutely breaks my heart, knowing that I might not get another chance with that one guy, who to this day, is still my favorite person. 
My ownly method for survival at this point is to forget. Forget, Forget, Forget, because if I don't forget, I will never be able to move forward. It was too peaceful of a place for me; too beautiful of a time. Too many dreams which I have had since childhood started to unfold into reality. It was blissful. Too good to be true and yet it was on so many levels true. The most freeing, real, true relationship I have ever been in.
So anyway, me first. Right now, me first. My body, my mind, my soul, my heart; My relationship with God, and my relationship with myself, and my ability to connect with other people and make friends. This is the only sustainable goal right now to have.

So, that was a ramble..

If I ever date again, it is going to be once I have learned how to censor myself and take care of my mental health.
Oh boy have I said things I wish I hadn't. Probably the worst things I have ever said were to that young man whom I fell deeply for. And sometimes, it's not even the specific things but the extent of things that wears a person down. I have been wearing everyone down in my life. It wasn't just him. 

 But if I ever date again, it will be when I have moved passed the need to think everything aloud. I will always be someone who thinks aloud. But sometimes, what I learned I really need to do is jump on here, and type into my computer and zip my lips because my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts. It just is. And that can be super cool; I am creative. There is a lot of intellectual, passionate, positive energy flowing through this head. But there's also a lot of fear, emotion, anxiety, and lack of confidence. And sometimes, I am just a blubbering fool with no real problems and nothing real to say, but I just talk anyways and people start tuning me out (as they should). 

Maybe what I really need is someone who will see when I am going through this, put their hand on my shoulder and say, "Hey listen, I think maybe you just need to take a step back from your head and breathe." or, "Hey, shh, take a break from thinking. It's going to be okay"

And here's the thing... I know what I want in life. It's cheesy and emotional and sad/lame because I am such a prideful control-freak about it, but what I really want is a husband... (in 5-6 years; but life goals &  childhood life-dreams)
Someday, I want husband who understands me, supports me, is patient with me, and knows when they can help and when to just walk away. Someone who has their own life and their own aspirations but loves to share with me what's going on. We do not have to have everything in common. We just have to get each other, on some level, or be absolutely fascinated by each other. I want a husband who will talk to me and who is so intellectually passionate like I am, but in their own way; that they and I can have real conversations about real things and constantly learn from each other.
I want a husband who will always be supportive of me in front of other people, but not be afraid to pull me aside and tell me the honest truth about how they feel. I want to discuss and learn about how to raise kids with them. I think that it would be a wonderful thing to have a husband with a very different view on certain things because it would teach the kids that you can have differences and still love someone. No only that, but I would love to harness that difference to teach the kids that they should learn to think for themselves; as long as they think out of love.
And of course, dating an orthodox man was the most significant thing for me. There is something about having such a deeply rich, cultural, poetic, loving and guiding religion as orthodox Christianity that begs, demands, that a marital union to be entwined with it. It is beautiful and being with an orthodox man, in many ways, showed me what love truly is; reminded me how I view love and sexuality and how that is so different from how most of the world views it. It reformed into this extremely wholesome and loving and beautiful thing that I knew it always was, but totally forgot on every level. I felt sickened by my past. This relationship was extremely healing to me.

So, I definitely left and went on a tangent, but I think that this sums up my thoughts on the topic, so I shall leave it as that.

PS: A pretty significant thing that I learned which I left out is  that if and when I ever date again,  I will have a true understanding and clarity that they had their own life before me and I had my own life before them and that difference needs to be respected. Any partner I have should never feel pressured by me to meet everyone I have ever met or do everything I have ever enjoyed doing or share every moment with me I ever enjoyed sharing with anyone else. 
This is huge because I know that I have made this mistake in the past. It is a primitive, immature and ineffective way to approach any new relationship. Not to mention toxic. It's a really good way to lose your own identity and make your partner feel that their identity is threatened. Never again will I do this. It is extremely unfair, unreasonable and close-minded. 

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