Thursday, February 25, 2016

My life as a video game

Level 1: "A wee little babe"  
I don't remember much about this level except I got a lot of love and affection which helped build me up and prepare me for..
Level 2: "Elementary school years"  
Lots of drama that was so big and yet so small.  Crushes and cliques. Bffs and toys. Starting to hit puberty. Yuck! Glad that's over.
Level 3 part 1: "Junior high part 1"  
First boyfriend...
Level 3 part  2: "Junior high part 2" 
Making friends and more friends,  gaming and fandoms oh my!  This is  me!  I  found myself! I am a big fat nerd!
Level 4: "High school" 
...Oh.  I  grew a lot here.  Boyfriend for long time. Making good Friends.  Doing friend stuff here and there. Way too much time with bf; you live and you learn.
Level 5: "Senior in high school" 
I  am ready to be an adult!  What is this horrible high school place!  Why am I still here! Doing part-time Running start and running my own errands and driving everywhere.  I need independence!  I  need freedom! *grows a little,  or a lot. *starts to find self a little more again
Level 6 part 1: "Bellingham Bliss" 
I did it!  I made it to Western!  Holy shit I am free!  No more stressing about parents or boyfriend or boyfriend's parents! I am so happy!  Wait..  I don't really miss anyone (including my boyfriend)  *red flag waves* Complicated stuff happens. What is life and who have I become?...  I need to end this so I can be happy again. Meanwhile...Wow,  look at this other person. He's really cool.  He's super cool. He makes me so genuinely happy. Holy shit I really like him. A lot. (This is a really weird change and shift) I didn't know that I could be this happy. Wow. (time passes) Except, I am not ready for someone new. I haven't learned how to put myself first yet. He becomes overwhelmed which makes me stressed. What's going on? We can make it work.  But no.  No, he needs to push me out before it's too late.  Okay.  Okay..
Level 6 part 2: "Recovery"
I am in shock.  Ahhhhhhhh what the f*ck just happened to me and all of this stuff.... *processing*processing*
Level 7: "Growing into myself: a shitton"
I am single once again for the first time in a long time. That's okay! This is good. I am wear I need to be. I have needed this..  For a long time.. I know. It doesn't have to be a horrible thing! In fact, I have come to realize that this whole experience is a blessing. All this falling in and out of love has only led me back to myself and God. That we are the 2 things I will always have and the 2 things that I need to put most of my energy and care into. Without being a healthy, sustainable human being with a healthy sustainable relationship with God, I am nothing and I can not build the kind of strong, sustainable relationships with others that I deserve to have. First comes me, and God will follow. Thankful for everything! It has been quite an adventure of a journey!

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