Monday, December 19, 2016

Feminism and Double Standards in society

Now,  women of the new generation have been protesting bras and as someone who goes to a liberal college, there is just a lot of new movements and conversations about awareness and inclusiveness of different cultures in our society.  Amongst the feminists and vegans and hippies of all kinds,  there are fanatics and those who are more mild or exclusive about the battles they choose to fight.  In most of these things,  I haven't gotten very involved.  At least not more than mentally. Going to Western has greatly shaped my identity. 

One thing that stands out in particular to me is how women who don't shave are considered unkempt and gross in our culture.  We idolize a sleek,  smooth,  hairless women and that makes me sad. I think it is important for women to feel empowered and love how they look and how they are.  How they naturally are. But in our culture and society, being a hairy women is frowned upon. To people in an average group in our society, it is gross. We are gross.  This is such a common double standard that it is normal. It is normal to change your natural appearance in order to please others.

So I decided to stop shaving. I shouldn't be doing something to my own body just to please strangers and fit into society.  It isn't gross.  It is natural. Natural can not and should not be gross. It infuriates me that women are considered gross in their natural state while men are considered more manly. No. I am womanly and I have hair on my body. It is a part of how I am and I am beautiful.

Seriously. This is so hard for me. I struggle so much with it because I feel like in most groups,  I am probably the only woman with all my natural body hair. I am not going to shave until I find a reason why I should which is better than the reason why I shouldn't. 

I haven't shaved since mid-october. I still do my hair.  I still wear makeup on occasion and wash my face with special soap. I do my nails and even pluck my eyebrows, but why should I shave my legs or armpits or anything?  It is the middle of winter.
It is amazing how much negative stigma there is against not shaving when you are a women. It is sad. Even I am not convinced that I am can still feel beautiful to someone else (that wasn't a close friend or family member) if they saw how hairy my legs and armpits are. Even I am not convinced. 

But I will keep doing this not-shaving anyway. This is an important statement for me to make because women need to know how to love themselves. People in this world need to know how to love women even and especially in their natural state. I want to be an example of someone who can feel confident in themselves and love their body even without altering my appearance for society. Natural is beautiful.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Christian things

I don't like Christian things. What is a christian thing?  There are no Christian things. There are only human things.  Exclusiveness brews pride, and ignorance. Sin which leads to the worse sin: hate.

Saturday, December 10, 2016


My father is lost. 
I am a mountain.
My mother is a stream.

"Happy Place"

"What is your happy place?", he asked.

Upon contemplation..
First I thought of all the things that I do which make me happy.
Nature.. hiking.. climbing...
Shows.. Movies.. Gaming.. Reading..

Being in tune with myself is my happy place.
Listening to myself. Being in the moment with myself, and being grateful for the goodness of that moment.

For me often my happy place manifests in what is beautiful to me. Nature and stories. Humanity, Life. Life is beautiful to me. And fictional life (shows, books, video games) is more relaxing initially because you know that you don't have control over what happens even if you wanted to, but you will still be okay regardless of what happens. You are along for the ride. In the real world though, you get caught up in fears and expectations. It is hard to let go and accept that you most things you have no control over and a higher power is going to make life happen how it happens and do what it does; freaking out about it isn't going to help anyone or anything. If that higher power is mother nature, or a diety it is all the same. Believing and accepting that life is going to happen how it happens, when it happens and more often than not, you have no control over that and ultimately realizing that you are going to be okay no matter what happens.
This is the ultimate peace; the ultimate "happy place" within yourself, and this is how you ward off anxiety and life a good life.

No matter what your religion is; atheist, agnostic, christian etc. etc.. No matter who you are, learning to be grateful for the moment, and trusting that everything is going to be alright no matter what happens and understanding that life will do what it does, regardless of your fear and cares... is significant.

That doesn't mean do nothing. This is about resting, and being at peace with yourself and the world, not about giving up.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016


It takes a lot of patience, gratitude and humility to truly fast.

Why do we fast? Why do I fast?

Fasting is about not spoiling your appetite. In a religious sense, it's about not spoiling your appetite for God. If you abstain from things like certain food, then when a big meaningful celebration comes around, the delicious food is much more delicious and the celebration, much more meaningful.

Food tastes better when you are hungry. In my experience, eating because it tastes good only lasts so long before the flavor dies out and you find yourself eating just to fill something inside; for me that is generally stress or sadness, despair or loneliness. What I find in these cases is that what I really need is myself. Desperately, I need myself. Whether that be, to do something on my own, be nice to myself, do something I love or even get back to my tasks, projects, learning or working; doing something that feeds me, because I want to do it. That is what I need.

Fasting is not limited to food. Fasting is person-specific. And in the Orthodox Church, fasting is largely about almsgiving. Doing volunteer work or giving to charity is harder than most people make it sound. The truth is, if you are doing it right, you are putting others before you, not thinking about yourself.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Life Update

A number of months ago, I wrote a blog post titled, "My Story of Spiritual Enlightenment and Personal Evolution" I just want to say,  this all-around sucks. I was not myself when I wrote this so there is a lot I want to clarify. 
I was crazy above this guy,  he broke up with me all of a sudden when I was ready to just talk and work things out.  Instead,  he dumped me.  In hindsight,  he was an asshole.  Sam was a fucking asshole,  and I was infatuated with him.  Here's why..
When he broke up with me,  he said that I texted him too much.  The truth is,  I had too much baggage for him and all these other things and he just didn't want me anymore.
In all honesty,  it was true.  I just got out of a long relationship,  didn't give myself time to breathe and jumped into a thing with Sam.  I thought I was fine, but I was filled with honeymoon phase and had all these dreams of Sam and I together.  I flung myself at him,  gave it my all,  with a totally open heart, and he rejected it. But not after letting me get carried away, over-nest etc. Etc. It's a nightmare.
Once again, I was very naive and the truth is,  he didn't do anything for me.  This experience was good.  I needed it.  Yes,  God placed him in my life for a reason,  but all that wonderful growth evolution stuff was me.  Sam was a mirror,  a tool. I was the one who realized what was important to me, and perhaps even more important, I realized what my mistakes tend to be with relationships and the extreme importance of taking things slowly and discovering my true self before deciding to share the rest of my life with someone else.
It is easy for me to get swept up by men.
Sometimes, part of me really wants to get swept up, so I let it happen. But it's not worth loosing myself in someone else and it's not worth all the heartbreak and despair that causes me. In the end, there is only one person who will always be there for me, and that is me. Don't get me wrong. People are important. Friends are very important, but people come and go. Someone who is important to me right now,  might be less important 10 years from now,  and that is okay.  It is not the end of the world.  Just as I grow and change,  so does time move and pass. There are wonderful things in each moment which to be thankful for,  and ever since I have been single,  life has only been getting better. Slowly, but surely. I am thankful for that. 

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Take care, my dear

Don't forget to let things go.
Let things go so you can grow
And make room for better,
More beautiful things.


Friday, November 25, 2016

When death do us part

Why is it so hard to let yourself cry
So many times in life do we cry
Tears were meant for our healing
A natural method of releasing stress,  tension,  grief.
And yet when rocks tumble down the hillside,  filling in the gulleys and plains
Death and life,  our world recycles,  reproduces,  renews.
And yet when friend and family surround me,  to support me,
Tears hide inside my inner cavern
Bats feast on my inner tension,  my secret.
I am strong. I say.  I am stronger than strong.
I climb on the mountains and I lift myself up above the ground.
You can not hurt me because I am strong.
I have faced death.  I have faced heartbreak.  I am invincible and though I am hurting,  I am strong.
No fear inside me is enough to bring tears.  When you throw rocks at my forehead and blood draws,  I do not waver.  I am a boulder. 
No earthquake can smash me down or crush me open.  No comfort can draw lava from my fissures,  I am a boulder.

Friday, November 18, 2016

The other side

I needed to read this because I have heard it all before and I wanted to figure out how to understand or approach this conflict of difference.  First of all,  I am somewhere in between.  I would probably identify as a liberal,  but that does not mean I am pro-abortion.  I am not.  I think that while perhaps there should be laws and limitations against abortion, something like Planned Parenthood should be supported and in place.  Women deserve the right to make decisions about their bodies and sex education needs to be severely increased as well as birth control availability.  You can preach abstinence all you want,  but that's not going to prevent pregnancy from happening in the first place.  These issues are not black and white.  There is so much more to them. Education in this country sucks.  It needs major work and birth control needs to be stepped up.  Often more advanced birth control methods for women is dangerous and that's really lame. This position in the article makes me feel the need to disassociate from this term that has been so far removed from it's true origins,  "Christian".  First of all,  I am a Christian.  I am not a "Christian"  that is spoken of in this article.  This is not my religion in any sense.  I don't believe that there is a need for me as a Christian to feel oppressed or that evil is triumphing or any such nonsense.  God is always with me like he is always with everyone, everywhere. And you don't have to do anything. You will always have the personal freedom as a human being to make your own decisions and practice your religion if and how you want to. Obama can't take that away from you and neither can Hillary or Trump.  This article speaks from a perspective that "us liberals"  are afraid for no reason,  but the truth is,  you "Christians"  have been afraid for no reason far longer. This is very upsetting and disappointing to me because it is clear that there are people on both sides experiences misunderstanding, and people blowing things out of proportion on both sides,  however,  it is so important that we take time to listen to both sides. It doesn't seem like these "Christians"  are making any room on their hearts to love their neighbor as theirselves.  They are too busy feeling  oppressed and threatened by imaginary things.  If your "Christianity" disappears,  it's probably because it wasn't very well founded in the first place to begin win. (ouch)

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Femininity in our culture

It occurs to me just how significant it is that we live in a culture and society where femininity is weaknesses.  Femininity is emotional, but emotion is not strength. Even I grew up extremely uncomfortable with my femininity and femininity in general.  I still struggle to embrace it as a strength and to be strong in my befriending of other women in life.  Women and femininity make me uncomfortable.  Perhaps it is how it has been portrayed  by our culture.  Perceived weakness is uncomfortable.  This is such a serious issue and truly sad.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Important things I have learned this quarter

Hello Internet!  Here is a list of important things that I have learned this quarter.

I love being a musician.
I also like solving math problems.
I treasure my walks. I treasure hiking &  nature.
"Me-time" or time spent on relaxing is really important in each day.
I really like raisins. I also like celery.
I am Intolerant to onions,  and garlic.
I am probably allergic to hazelnuts.  I am at least Intolerant.
I love my family a lot.  Family is important to me.
Friends are also really important to me.

Friday, October 21, 2016


When you see something someone else has which you also want, and for what ever reason think that you can never have.

Men with Sisters or The Power of the Feminine Touch

I have dated 2 guys now;  Both of which have at least one brother and no sisters.  But since the last one broke up with me,  I have gotten close to two other young men,  both of which have at least one sister. 
There's a completely different vibe. 
These guys seem to be much gentler; about little things.  I also feel like they are much more appreciative of me as a woman than my ex-boyfriends were.  Okay,  so,  being fair,  there is an obvious bias here in that I was dating those guys and now I am not,  but these with sisters have only been good friends.  Still,  I find a significant difference enough worth mentioning.
This is something I actually really appreciate.  These two young men with sisters seem to be a lot more conscious of all that women go through emotionally, but also a lot more sensitive to their differences from men's. They feel more appreciative and respectful.  It's a nice change and it occurred to me that merely having a sister or not could have quite a bit to do with that change. 
I suppose one way of putting it is that these men are more in touch with their inner anima.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Even still I find that

I am like a child; crying out for mom and dad to fix me; me and my problems in life,  my fears and insecurities. Only,  it isn't mom and dad anymore. 

Sunday, October 16, 2016

It's addictive

When you are drinking poison and you laugh, thinking it's funny because you like the taste.

So you begin to rationalize, "Maybe it isn't poison. Maybe it isn't poison..." or "Maybe if I only take one sip. Just a few sips.. Wait a while then take another sip later; Way later, maybe then.  Maybe it's been long enough.  Let me take another sip."

Friday, October 7, 2016

Don't be a "Bubble Christian"

"Bubble Christian" is a name I have given a type of Christianity where people only do christian things & only hang out with christian people. American/Western Protestantism has a lot of this which has always stuck out to me and bothered me. It felt wrong on many levels and I am now beginning to understand how to explain why.

The number one important thing that I think most Christians agree on when it comes to being a Christian is "Love your neighbor as yourself." So, the first thing I think of when I am analyzing a common Christian practice or attitude is: "Does is hinder your ability to love your neighbor?". I believe that the ability to love your neighbor comes from getting to know your neighbor and that alienating yourself from any certain type of people prevents that. Thus: my notion of "bubble Christianity"; You can not love someone, a group of people, or a type of person that you do not know. Jesus wandered and talked and met with all kinds of people; the outcasts. 

So, here's the issue I see. A community on it's own is good. I believe that people were made to be together and a community, even and especially in worship or for religious purposes can be very good. Where people go wrong is when they start thinking about themselves first. "I am going to be saved because I did my part in spreading the word of God". Perhaps it takes a group of like-minded individuals which create this atmosphere which turns into something which is not healthy, positive or inclusive, and people close themselves off to the outside world because it's "safer" and mostly, "easier". I think the worst part of this is how so many people are raised to be closed off to other parts of society. They are brought up going to Christian schools, listening to Christian music and only being allowed to hang out with other Christians. Often parents in this category will build up a list of things that a "Christian" child should do and should not do with more "should-not"s than I think anyone should have. This is the issue I have so much problem with.
People learn from experience. If they learn that they can take risks and that there may be a consequence and that if there is, they will have to figure out how to deal with it, they are much more set up to be a successful member of society and be able to take care of themselves in their life better as well. Long-story-short, I think that controlling is never a healthy answer. Especially if you want your children to continue believing in that faith. To me it is crazy to think that anything would appeal to someone which forces them to do or be anything. You can not be a true Christian or a true person if you can not be your true self.
This is something, that as an Orthodox Christian, I am very thankful for. In the Orthodox Church, honesty and authenticity has always been something that is rewarded and looked highly upon. I learned at a young age, that being genuine and being a Christian can and should go hand-in-hand, but when I see other protestant denominations, I feel fear because it doesn't feel like being genuine is even accepted in some cases. I see things that look like they encourage people to be cookie-cutter replicas of each other and it is one of the most distasteful things in this world to me. When people are pressured into being friends just because they are both Christian, that is when I get up and walk away.

Unfortunately, I have even seen Orthodox Christians get into this mindset of what I would consider to be closing yourself off to other types of people and thus hindering your ability to get to know and love them. In this case, rather than people being totally in their own world, what I really see a lot of is this surrounding yourself with lots of Orthodox Christian things; books, music, practices etc. This, on its own I think can be very good. And many of these people have a lot of Orthodox Christian friends (or maybe even only Orthodox Christian friends) (which on some level, I may envy or judge because I have never been able to fit myself into a category or befriend numerous people of my same religion). These people, if given the opportunity, will welcome people into their group like most Christians would say they would. And even, I think with much more sincerity and honesty of heart.

The point I am arguing is that you can't be inclusive and open to different kinds of people if you don't go out yourself and get to know them. Different kinds of people aren't going to come to you. More often than not, they aren't.
But I do want to say, there is a significant difference between what I see in Orthodox Christians and Protestant Christians when it comes to this. With Orthodox Christianity, I think the concern is more about getting too much pride and forgetting to reach out to people who are not Orthodox Christian like you. I think it is safe to confidently say, this concept of "bubble Christianity" is much less common (and on a much smaller scale when it is) for Orthodox Christians because in America, we ourselves are minorities. I can't imagine being an Orthodox Christian who won't be friends with anyone who isn't Orthodox. If you were going to a public school, you wouldn't be making friends with anyone. If you were really lucky, you may have one friend, but you may not even get along. I think in every case, it is stupid to force friendships. I think that you can still "love" (in a Christian way) or respect and care about (in other terms) someone without being their friend. That is something that I think you have to do to be a healthy person. I also think public school is beneficial for people to learn how to work with people from a young age who are different.

Remembering to reach out to people who aren't necessarily like you and don't have the same religion or beliefs is important. On another note, it is important in humbling ourselves and not letting ourselves feel that we are better because we are Christian. Thinking that you are better because you are Christian or that all Christians are magically saved by being Christian defeats the whole purpose of being a Christian. It is so easy to go wrong here, and so dangerous and when I witness this go wrong, it makes me sick.

I think that for Orthodox folk, this can be an important reminder that we should not only be genuine with ourselves first, but also be grounded enough in our faith that we can reach out and connect with people who are not necessarily Orthodox. For me, that has been essential in my life, and connecting with other Orthodox Christians is a new thing for me despite going to church on Sundays growing up.

The key to this woman's heart is through her stomach


Food has been a reoccurring topic in my life. For many people, food is just food. It is there, it exists to be eaten and it is something we (as a first world country) generally have access to. So we eat, we live, and at some point, we eat again.
In my life, food has played a somewhat more complex role. I need it for my health, but also my sanity. If I don't get it when I need it, my blood sugar drops quick and I have a history of getting very hangry; moody, irrational, pissy. If I don't get the right kind of food when I need it, all hell breaks loose. It is a bad sight, so I learned pretty quick that food is something that I have to always make a priority. 
In addition to food (culturally) being an extremely important social part of my life, the lack of the right kind of food when I need it frequently creates an enormous amount of anxiety and panic in me. Eating nutritious, nourishing food calms me down in these cases and leaves me feeling at ease when nothing else ever could or will. After eating a healthy meal that agrees with me, I get a renewed energy and feel like I can conquer the world (or you know; my daily tasks). Eating healthy food not only keeps me from turning into a bitch monster from hell, but eating good food with others creates an almost essential feeling of stability in my life.

Now, you may have noticed, I have been describing "food" in most all of these cases as "good", "healthy", or "nutritious" and "nourishing" and no, I am not going to be talking about what diet is healthiest and best for you. Selling a specific diet is not what I am about. [Interjection: Everybody's body functions differently, and while I think universally we all need to eat less sugar and more vitamin-rich things like fruits/vegetables, that is the most advice you will get out of me.] The reason why I must reference my eating of food in this context as a "meal that agrees with me" is that I have IBS or irritable bowel syndrome. Yes, this is a real thing, and it really sucks. Having digestive issues and sensitive stomachs has always run in my family, but finally in the last 2-3 years, my symptoms and issues have gotten way worse. Hurray!

For me, the first sign of my IBS was chronic constipation. Then, a gluten-intolerance, and now, I have leveled up to the land of "almost everything will fuck you up haha good luck have fun, oh and ps: you now get muscle cramps and pain in your lower abdomen off and on, but pretty much constant". (Don't worry, my doctors are involved in my life)
So, eating is a struggle. On the upside, being gluten free has been a part of my life for near 4 years now so I have basically gotten the hang of it. :( It is very sad, but it's practically the least of my concerns now. And anyway, this blog post was not supposed to be about my sob story!!

The key to my heart is through my stomach. This is an important note to not only any potential mates (lmao) who may pop by and read this, but also (and more importantly) to myself. I decided this was important and noteworthy of a thing to post on my blog. The reason is I need to learn how to take good care of myself and how to be independent, and making/eating food is something that you just do; when you need to; how you need to. Our culture is built around this notion that you eat whatever-the-heck is easiest and quickest to eat because there is no time to do anything else, but for someone like me, that totally sucks because in order for me to be feeling my best self, mentally and physically, I really need to put a lot of real time and effort into making food for myself. 
It is the hardest thing in the world, and I don't put as much effort as I really should (as I noticed this evening when I had a nice anxious moment). So, among other things, food is a "cross" (burden) I need to bear and a part of my life I need to work on, and I need to remember to be patient with myself because it is hard and it takes constant effort and it will take lots of time. Right now I am in college, and I constantly need to reevaluate my priorities in order to stay on top of things. "Adulting" is new and foreign and terrifying to me, so it will just take time and practice. I can't expect results overnight (as I tend to).
This is also a significant notion/statement because, if you are a person who wants to learn how to take care of me, or how to help me take care of me, or how to not only relieve stress in my life, but have a good time with me, cook.. with.. me. I mean, if you want. If it is something you feel like you can help with and want to do, then, well, do. Mostly, I am realizing this is just one of those things that I have to face on my own and step up my game instead of procrastinating on practicing it, and running away from it because like most things in life, far away it looks much bigger and harder and scarier, but when you get down to it, it's actually pretty simple and even therapeutic and fun. These are my words of wisdom which hopefully I will start listening to and acting on.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Molten Heartbreak

Pulsing thump of heartbeat
Rhythm of the ticking inside your head;
Ever ticking

Your limbs feel weak
Your extremities numb with feeling

It seems your heart draws you far and draws you near
Total death and destruction

Nail-biting, chalk-scraping
bloody fangs venison feast

You are an animal
Daring at every turn to mount your prey and mate

It sucks the life out of you
It wipes your slate clean
It dulls the color of your innards
Your bones turn black.

Searing flesh
Your urge burns like a fire
It settles like coal on your tongue

You self-destruct
because you want to find love.
You pump toxin into your veins.
The syringe is a memory.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Things on my mind

I am confusing. I think too much. Haha. I was rereading a bunch of my posts. There are a couple common things that tend to keep coming up for me which I post little bits about on my blog which I want to list here.

  • my religion 
  • what makes it different from other religions
  • why does it appeal to me so much; what can I explain about it
  • Specifically, I want to talk about this idea of "bubble Christians" which is the name I have given a type of Christianity (a concept perhaps present in other religions too) where people only do christian things & only hang out with christian people. American/Western Protestantism has a lot of this complete with christian music etc. etc. Frankly, it sickens me. It feels so wrong on so many levels and in so many ways. [addition: The reason it "sickens" me is because I feel that you can not love someone or a group of people or a type of people that you don't know. Jesus wandered and talked and met with all kinds of people; the outcasts. I believe that creating an illusion of superiority within a social construct of a group defeats the purpose of Christianity. Okay, there is a big important difference between a community and something that is... what I dislike so much. More later. Pester me about it.] I need to figure out how to explain this at some point. Even Orthodox Christians sometimes get stuck in this mindset. Often I pick up on people getting a sense of pride for being orthodox because we are the original christian church. Okay, you can be glad. I am happy to be an orthodox Christian. I believe it is the true church, but I don't think that is any excuse to be noninclusive or uninviting of people who aren't orthodox, aren't christian or aren't even religious. [addition: The concept on what is "uninviting" or noninclusive" seems significant to me. The reason is because what I tend to pick up on and see is not that people are uninviting necessarily. If given the opportunity, they will welcome people into their group, but the bottom line here is that you can't be inclusive and open to different kinds of people if you don't go out yourself and get to know them. Different kinds of people aren't going to come to you. They aren't. And there is a big difference between going out into the world and "spreading the word of God" and meeting different kinds of people in an inclusive, inviting manner. It is not inviting to preach that other people don't have their life figured out. Hah. No. Okay, I could keep going. This gets into some good stuff I should reserve a place on a different post for.] So, I pick up on this "bubble christian" mentality and it bothers me every time. Super important topic.

This topic involves my unending curiosity for things like energies, spirits, other religions, people, science and kinda how it all works and falls into place.
Maybe I do have some kind of self-centered arrogance in that I am always trying to figure everything out. What is the truth. No, I mean really. The real truth. Science and all. Okay, how much of this can be explained by science. How much can be explained by my religion. How and where do all these other religions go wrong and fall short and when does it get into the realm of demons or evil and when is it still good?
So it is important for me to be patient with things that I don't understand. I can't understand everything. (pride pride priiiide/arrogance/self-centered)
Often there are times when I think the best answer to anything is just for me to turn to the bible and turn to the saints and read read read about it because all these people figured it out. How to be satisfied, at peace, and living a life of love. The only really important things, right? Many of them succeeded by running from the modern world and living off in the wilderness or at monasteries to pray. That is a style I don't want to do! It's not me. I want to meet and love all the people that I can in the world and in any place. Now, that's a challenge. Maybe it would be better for me to just take a step back and breathe and not try to figure everything out. LOL.
I am crazy. I worry and care so much and expect to be okay living my life like that. It's hard to find the balance between learning, discovering and caring and being at peace, not worrying, not caring.

Now this is a strange and significant thing. What is "Caring"? It seems we need it to be this true, pure, good ness, but it also seems to tear us apart if we have too much of if.

Okay, I am beginning to dig deeper than I was prepared to commit to. nopeNope. Bye 

Monday, September 5, 2016

The thing is Love

I am excited to have a thing
a thing that does not stir up anxieties
a thing that does not make the world end
a thing that does not disappear all of a sudden
a thing that does not have co-dependence
a thing that instills peace and gentleness

I could have that thing
a thing that does not tear you in two
a thing that does not beg of you what you can not give
a thing that does not push or pull
a thing that trust flows through and no fear follows

That thing requires a lot of patience
patience is a gift which has been given
patience is a skill which must be learned
But patience makes any thing possible
I look in the mirror,  I  see a pretty face,  but..
You can count the cares I have by the red dots on my face. 

Thoughts on Masturbation

Masturbation is a sin in the same way that eating an entire tub of your favorite ice cream on your own is.
It is a different type of indulgence perhaps?
There is so much wrong with all the guilt instilled in us from birth about sexuality.  Sexuality is beautiful in its own special way.  Sexuality can be gentle and loving and kind,  as it should be.
Why does everything have to be so complicated.
Our church says that is is bad because while we are all sinners, indulgence of any kind is a sin.  Our culture says it is good because it helps you relax and be comfortable with yourself and it is good for your physical health and mental health.
Our church looks at things outwardly.  That the path to salvation is to deny ourselves.  Our culture looks at things inwardly. That in the moment,  all we need to think or worry about is making sure we are physically and mentally healthy and happy.
Our church says,  turn to God with all your troubles and turmoils and anxieties and in Him you will find rest.
Faith.  It takes faith to find peace. Peace in anything.

Friday, September 2, 2016


" Don't get angry or annoyed
  Just sit and take it in, then give feed back
  Keep calm
  Listen more than talk
  Choose your words carefully
  Being patient is that "

— Niko Savra

Thursday, August 25, 2016


I  finished listening to Hamilton all the way through...  Again. I didn't listen to it for a long time even when my favorite people which I always hung out with at college loved it. I heard about it and laughed.  A musical about history!  Hilarious. Then one day,  I thought.. Well, why don't I not listening to it at least once!? I don't even know what it's  like!  Who am I to judge. I love plays and music and musicals..  I would probably really like it.  It's  kinda silly that I haven't heard it yet.  So..  Reluctantly,  I sat down,  finally,  months and months later,  and started playing it from the beginning.  It was not bad..  Then it was really good..  I  was shocked. Well,  I have listened to it many times now,  each one thinking I am going to get sick of it if I listen again,  but I  totally could have cried this last time and other times. I just finished it again right now..  *sniffles*

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Thoughts on Yoga

I would make my posts more linear, but currently I have a lot of thoughts and the way they flow isn't quite like an article or official paper would be. I am not sure it would be worth it for me to put myself through trying to do that. Instead, I would rather get my thoughts out there onto my blog where they can be read instead of procrastinating forever and ever.
So in this post, I am going to discuss my thoughts on yoga after some thorough research that I had done.

Around a year ago,  my mom and I discovered yoga and we were both really enjoying the relaxation and meditative calm that it gave us. Yoga had always been a good thing to us. Then, we began to frequently hear heard from orthodox friends that yoga is against our religion to do and it is "bad".  I was particularly curious about this because I know my religion to be good and nourishing and I felt that yoga was the same, so what was the issue? I began to study and explore the topic online and through various resources during my free-time (this lasted a couple of months).

First, I listened to a good portion of a podcast about it on ancient faith radio. After that,  I thought it was a good thing to be aware of how yoga originated and that it can be used in a way that is against our religion,  however I resolved that it would still be okay if I was merely very conscious of the situation and my mind when doing yoga.

Later that day,  I hung out with some young adult orthodox people from various parishes in the Seattle area at a park for the first time. I was talking with one of the lovely young woman when the topic of yoga was brought up again; although briefly,  I took advantage of that and decided to ask her what she thought.  She told me about how she used to do yoga and she always felt kind-of guilty about it but wasn't sure why, then she learned that it was against our religion.  She also told me about an experience she had while doing yoga.  She said she wasn't sure if she made it up or not because supernatural-type things tend to be passed off in our brains as imaginations or tricks of the mind, but that she remembered being in a yoga class and when her eyes closed, seeing this demonic, angry face and then hearing an inhuman, monstrous breathing.  I listened,  very openly and acknowledged it. I was not really thinking much except continuing to be curious about whether it was okay for me to still do yoga somehow (basically). I have a lot of respect for the rules and suggestions of the orthodox faith. There has never been a suggestion or rule without a good, logical reason. This faith has never let me down. There are always little things which are mere preferences that some take more seriously than others, but this was not one of those things. Instead, this was something that kept coming up and I knew I should investigate.
I remember I had a bad feeling when we had this discussion. 

Some time passed and it wasn't until that evening when I had got home and I was settling down when I realized that I was pretty darn sure that I had experienced the exact same thing when doing yoga once before.  I suddenly felt fear and dread,  as I vividly remember a monstrous growling type of breathing when doing yoga with a group of people in a class once. At the time, I had shrugged it off.  It was certainly ominous, but I was convinced that someone in the room was just breathing strange from the stretches,  there were strangers there after all, and the demonic face thing...  there is a good chance that I saw such a thing, but I have always been a person with a wild imagination and grew up having to train myself to ignore when I get scary images in my head for any reason.. I say the Jesus prayer silently to myself, or cross myself when I can, and this is a protective ritual that I do. So, I believed I could be making it all up too. I had shrugged it all off and nearly forgotten in order to be okay with yoga. I can't deny, yoga makes me feel great. 

Side Note: This whole experience and discussion brings up a topic that I struggle with very greatly in my own life. From a spiritual perspective, that is knowing when to trust your feelings..  When are your gut feelings actually trying to tell you something or when is it just the devil trying to manipulate you or scare you for no reason?
This experience reminded me that as orthodox christians, we do believe in demons. Demons exist. But God loves us and will always protect us when we turn to him. So, it was startling. We like to think about the saints and the guardian angels watching over us, but demons also exist. They are terrifying, but God and the trinity are there to give us ground and strength and to protect us from them. So I had a deep existential moment about the things we know and do not and the things I believe and do not.

Time passed and I read more and more articles, finally coming to a conclusion. Not at all about whether I would do yoga anymore, but a conclusion about what yoga was and how it affected you and how it could be dangerous. (So I guess that's something right?)

In many ways, yoga is dangerous. 
It is like masturbation in that it takes you to a mind-less self-seeking state.
The Christian idea is that through our faith of him, God gives us opportunity for freedom from troubles, cares, and anxieties while still having our consciousness and strength without the need of turning to earthly things for self-satisfaction. He gives us peace. We have but to accept it.
But the bottom line is this: Self-gratification is a dangerous thing.
There's significance in the difference between our culture's beliefs (and that is one of focusing on self-building to be better, healthier, more relaxed) and the beliefs of our church which is to turn to God for peace and health in everything. The focus of yoga in some ways takes that self-love to an extreme which is unhealthy and leads to being more self-focused and less focused on God and others like true Christianity teaches.
That being said, I believe that the things on this Earth and in this life have been given to us by God to use as tools and it is the spirit of things that have to most importance. It is our duty to harness tools as gifts and judge the spirit of them and utilize them as tools to so good. 
 It may be harder, with something like yoga, to harness that as a tool to do good because the themes of self-gratification are somewhat deeply entwined with the ritual and the history which is also entwined with false gods which might very well be demons, some of them. It is playing with fire in that sense.
The fact that modernized yoga has sometimes been dumbed down to something much more focused on loving of oneself and caring for your body in a sense is a blessing, and a tool which theoretically should be taken advantage of for finding peace and gentleness (As Jesus teaches) in each present moment and a renewed resulting energy. Unfortunately, the ritual consists more of out-of-body experiences and meditation in a way which may be quite unstable in terms of the spiritual realm because it is self-focused and demons take advantage of comfort and self-focus to manipulate and exploit. Another thing which I think is important and worth mentioning is the word "Namaste" which is said at the conclusion of almost any yoga practice means something along the lines of we respect and acknowledge and reflect upon the divine within you.

All in all in the end, I decided that I would rather learn to meditate on scripture or prayer, that at least for me, I would rather be safe than sorry. The Church gives many healing opportunities to us which don't involve out-of-body experiences or self-gratification. Self-reflective practices which should be just as relaxing, if used properly. Among them, prayer, (prayer ropes), the saints as family and inspiration, confession, communion, and even marriage. (so many things to be discussed at a later time)

Of the many articles I viewed, this was one which I saved because I thought that it was the most helpful in broadening my understanding.


Monday, June 27, 2016

Women Body Image-society Rant

God made my legs to grow hair on them.  I  think my legs are beautiful.  I am sorry if it offends you,  but your issues are not my problem.  If I shave my legs it is because I want to treat myself to soft smooth legs; Not because I need to please you; Not because I need to please myself.  Shaving my legs is something that is only worth my time when there is a practical cause (hot weather crosses my mind) or when I  just want to for myself.  Whether my legs are natural or not is not your business nor the business of society or our culture; Nor should it be. My legs are my own business.  And yes,  they are beautiful,  no matter what state they are in.  Thank you.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Certain things I can't post on Facebook

There are certain things, bitter complaints perhaps, that I can't post on facebook. But I want the world to hear me screaming and shouting. So, I guess that's why I have my blog...

I hate so much that my ex boyfriend is so attractive. He is such a beautiful person who did me wrong. He cut the shit out of my heart and my soul and didn't think it was a big deal at all. Despite the fact that I have moved on, gotten over him, don't care, am better off without him, don't want to hear about him, he is still incredibly handsome. He has a charming personality and because of his ignorance about dating and feelings, treats me like shit. It makes me want to throw up.

Moving on is harder than you think (I write to myself). Even after you think it all out and convince yourself you've done all you can. Even when you've thought it all out, and you know all you could know about the situation, you are still broken inside and fixing a wounded heart takes more than glue and understanding. The only thing that will help is time.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

It's okay to not be okay

It is okay to not be okay.  Be patient with yourself.
I am not okay. I am very impatient with myself.  I feel like I should be completely okay.  I feel like I have no right or reason to not be okay.  I am mean to myself.  I am hurting.  I am lonely. I am not okay.  I am not.  I am not okay and I don't want to admit it or say it or let anyone else hear it because it is not okay to not be okay.  You have to be okay for people to like you.  You have to be okay in order to grow. You have to be okay in order to build healthy relationships.  You have to be okay in order to be happy.  You have to be okay in order to like yourself. You have to be okay. Tell me I am wrong because it hurts too much to have to push all the time. And yet,  I will keep pushing.  I was cast out into the dust by someone for making excuses. I was cast out by someone for not being who I want to be.  I was cast out by someone for not being okay.  In the end,  he was the one who was not okay,  but my heart was torn into pieces.  To this day,  how will I learn that it is okay?  How can I feel that I am okay when I am hurting? How can I feel that I am okay when I make mistakes; that I am okay when I am having panic attacks or anxiety or when I text you a lot throughout the day about anything and everything because I want to because I care? How can I learn that I  am okay and that I am loved when my love was ripped away from me for being those things?  How can I be okay with not being okay? It is a backwards and broken ideology but he was the stronger one,  the better one.  How can I learn to listen to myself first and how can I learn to not pick an asshole to give all my love and affection to?  How will I know how to be okay?  How will I  know how to be safe next time? These are the real questions. Help me, Lord.

Friday, June 3, 2016

The key is to master being single so that you don't feel lonely anymore.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Conversations In My Head(3)

When you are a single person caught in a moral dilemma:
I feel like it is worse to fantasize about something that isn't yours than to be sexually selfish. 

Friday, May 27, 2016

Sitting thoughts of the forest

 Nature, Energies, Art, Spirituality

I hiked up into the neighboring arboretum today to rest.
I was having a bad day and I needed to get away. It helped.
As I sat there, pondering peace and God and rest, a thought crossed my mind. And things made a lot of sense for a moment.

The energies of the forest and the birds and the insects are very different from that of other humans and even animals. Especially domestic animals. This was a hard thing for me to grasp in some ways for a while. I sometimes think about spirits and energies and where they all sit and how they all interact in this world we live in. So, in this moment, here is what I discovered... The trees and the nature all have a very similar energy. A very calming, living energy. Almost the same energy I would say. A kind of energy that is very connected to the Earth and all of its functions and the ways of life. It is a kind of energy that doesn't get bogged down or distracted or destroyed or even altered by anything else. It always exists in strong, simple ways. It doesn't have a personality. It is very united. And I am talking about trees and plants mostly. The scent is very refreshing and the atmosphere is very calming.

I may have mentioned this before; how I believe that all of these living things we have here on Earth are made out of the loving energy God has given to them. There is this idea that some people perhaps think of or misunderstand, and that is the idea that all life is "equal". In many ways, yes.. All life is equal in that all life deserves extreme love and respect and gentlness, but all life is not equal. It is clear in the way we think, and act and create and it is clear (to an empath like me) in how the energies (or vibes; I guess you could call them) feel and express themselves. There is a reason that trees are calming. It's not that they have their own individual personalities really, although we as humans certainly could attribute some to them (but that would come from us and our use of them in our expression and relation and art). No, trees in their purest form are very much mere images and art created directly from God. And this is ongoing. The life here on Earth, the evolution, the cycles and the connection; it is all an ongoing painting that God is creating right now. This painting expresses something deeply profound; love.

I believe we humans are very different in that all these other living things (paintings of expression) were created (are created) by God as gifts for us. Gifts that we should treasure. Things that we should hold dear, and precious and use as tools for growth (as many of us do). Note that this plays into the spiritual idea of gratitude.

So it became very clear to me at that moment, as I sat in the woods, this idea that all this nature is a gift from God. As an ongoing expression that he his always reaching out to us. This gift of nature is given to us as a tool. In that moment, it was given to me as a gift to find calm and reassurance; inner peace and regeneration in order to be at peace in my mind and take on the rest of my day.

Energies in other animals: domestic animals

I want to touch briefly on my understanding and experience with animals; particularly domestic animals and how they are different from the wildness of nature. To summarize, in my experience in my awareness of energies (readings) of people and animals and things, it has become clear to me that wild nature, like plants and trees are all very much united. Especially when you are surrounded by it in a forest (for example), it is easier to feel and pick up on. I think that wild animals also fall into this category. Their energies don't think or feel in relation to us because their lives consist mainly of instinct.  On the flip side, it is very very clear that humans are bursting with energy. We have energy of different colors and shapes which are much harder to understand and read because we are very emotional and thoughtful and impulsive and irrational creatures. As we know, this can be good or bad. Regardless, it is a fact of humanity that I think we are all familiar with.

What makes a lot of sense to me is an idea I have that people, humans, can and often do (maybe consciously and unconsciously) channel their energy into things. In fact, oh boy do they. I have experiences when I go to places like pawn shops or collecter shops where I get emotional energies bouncing off of things left and right. It can be very exhausting for me to go into a place like that, because subconsciously, I am always trying to understand the things I feel and it is hard for me to distinguish what I feel with what other people are feeling because of that energy that rubs off into things that are important to people. This is actually a really huge thing that I know to be true. People, unlike animals, often put meaning into things, objects. They use these objects or things to relate how they feel, to be creative or expressive and objects that have a close relation to a part of their life, particularly childhood---development levels of growth-- or in relation to deep emotional events, this energy rubs off and sometimes gets stuck. 
This is an interruption, but I tend to have very vivid emotional dreams and I remember having many dreams in my past about specific toys that I had growing up and attaching them to feelings or stories in my head.

So anyway, to relate back to the idea of domestic animals and energies, I really feel that something here is different. Yes, these animals aren't human. They are still animals, but something about them no-longer being wild gives them or strengthens their ability to develop feelings or personalities to an extent. And these different personalities of which I think are largely genetic, (and feelings) are what strengthen and create an ability for a person to bond with a particular animal stronger than another. It is a type of "chemistry", if you will. I think it is likely that these genetic personalities exist in the wild to some extent as well, but they lack that relationship with humans.

Now there is a bunch of psychology stuff about "sense of self" and animals lack-thereof that is coming into my head which I want to find and link onto this post, but as it is time for me to go to sleep, I am instead going to leave this here, and as a reader, you are welcome to comment and start a conversation on this topic.
I also might add something later. 



Thursday, May 26, 2016

Life lesson: You are always okay until you give up

There are times when you realize, no matter how you try,  deep down,  you are not okay. Whatever it is,  it is not okay. It is painful. It is fear. It is grief,  loneliness,  sorrow.  You are not okay.

But life goes on...  Really, it does.  This is just the beginning of a much greater story. With every passing day,  all the trees keep growing and the flowers keep glowing. The people and their smiling and their talking carry on.  It can bring you anger,  jealousy,  or it can bring you inspiration.

No matter what the cause, nor to what extent,  your not being okay will pass. Your body mends itself,  and you should follow its lead.  Do not be afraid of letting go of your troubles and your hurt. The time will come that you see it is your destiny to renew and grow again.

Your mind and heart take so much time, much more time to heal than any broken bones or cuts or scars. It is the way of human life. And it hurts even more when it seems no one in the world can see the wounds that you feel each day on the inside. It will take time,  but you can help yourself heal. Be gentle with your mind and heart as you wish others were to you. Your doubt and fear can be like fuel to the fire, or you can trust and believe in yourself and your fate. The choice is yours.  But in the end, you will be okay.  In the now,  you are okay.  No matter how broken or hurt,  you are mending. You are okay. ❤

Quoting Myself

It's a lonely life when you want so badly to be the perfect wife, perfect lover then a perfect mother that you forget how to be a perfect you.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Bra Awareness Campaign

There is an issue all women face at some point in their life: how to find and buy a good bra for them. Unfortunately, somehow (I haven't the slightest clue) the stores are packed with sizes that don't fit the majority of women. Now, clearly the market has something to do with this. Companies produce (and stores buy) what they sell the most of, and if they sell most of a 34 band size, that is what they will produce, or else (now that I think of it) they are trying to scam people by forcing them to buy bras more often. Now, please, let me teach you fellow women the important facts about bras (or perhaps the men can teach their future wives). Unfortunately, most women don't know and never learn how bras work. The truth is, it's not as complicated as people may think. I want to raise awareness for women so they can be their happiest with their bras and get the most out of them.

Things to know about bras:

Your bra should not be uncomfortable. If it ever is, there is a good chance it isn't your size or shape.

There are many things that go into what can make a bra fit or not fit correctly. I won't go into all of them here, but other than the obvious bra size, breast shape also can play a big role in whether a bra fits comfortably like it should, and knowing your shape of breasts can be very helpful in picking out and finding a bra that fits you best. Obviously, there are resources on the internet, so I will let you research this one on your own if you are interested.



Know your band size first. If you live in America, your band size is just the measurement in inches around your ribcage right underneath your breasts where your bra band would sit. This is the most important measurement and where people always go wrong. For smaller women, your band size is likely anything from 28 to 32 inches. Note that in a store, bras are always listed in band measurements in multiples of 2. For example: in a store like Target, Fredmeyer or even Kohls, you will likely see band sizes: 32, 34, 36, 38, 40, 42, 44, 46, 48 etc.

When you put on a bra, it should be quite snug around the band when you have it on the loosest clip. Your bra band is what keeps your bra supportive. You need your band to be snug if you want the bra to serve its purpose. The reason it should be snug on the loosest clip is so that it has room to stretch (and it will over time) and when it does, instead of having to go out and buy another bra in order to get support, (where my thought of stores scamming you into needing to buy more bras comes in) you use the clip second to the loosest and so on. So, periodically you are tightening the bra based on the clips except you aren't because it is stretching through wear. Resulting, you will always have a bra that is your size and fits well until it is even loose on the tightest clip which should take a while. I hope that makes sense.


After you know your band size, finding the correct cup size is relatively easy. It should fit. No extra space here or there and nothing falling out the sides or front. Now, here is something I know a lot of women run into when they aren't big on bra shopping. "But isn't that too big for me?" People are afraid of the numbers. For some reason, D is glorified as being for big-breasted women and A is labeled as being for small-breasted women. But that's not the case. A bra cup is relative to the band size which is why you never want to start with the cup size. A 34D bra will have a larger cup than a 32 D bra and a 38 D bra will have an even larger cup than that. And contrary to popular belief, DD is nowhere near the largest cup size. There is also E, F, FF, G, GG, H, HH, J, JJ all the way up to N (in Europe it just goes from A to Z without the doubles)

Sister Sizes. There is a thing called "Sister sizes" and what that means is that someone who, when wearing the correct band size is a 30 DD, can also "fit" into a 32 D, 34 C... etc. because the cup sizes increase with the band size. In order to keep the same size, you have to decrease the cup size with every increase in band size. Now, I am not a fan of "Sister sizes" because I really think that everyone deserves to be able to find an affordable bra in their correct band size.  But often, we are stuck with buying and wearing sister sizes because what they carry in stores is more often than not what your correct size is. Especially, for some reason as many of us find, the extremely cute bras (which are always 34 B, C & D)

The issue:

The majority of bras found in stores are 32 A, 32 B, 34 B, 34 C, 34 D, 36 D, 36 DD..  and stores are providing sizes assuming that as our breast size increases, so does our band size (or that if we have larger breasts, we will also have larger band sizes or larger rib-cage circumferences) This is garbage, and so if you want to buy a bra from any mainstream easy-to-find clothing store, you are more often than not going to be forced to buy a sister size or instead go to a specialty bra store like Soma, Nordstrom, or Victoria Secret which have much higher prices and even then, if you are really skinny or you have really large breasts, you may be out of luck because very few places seldom sell anything in a 28 band size, or in a cup size greater than DD, and remember, when your band size gets smaller, your cup size gets larger because the cup sizes are relative to the band size.

So many women live their lives wearing poorly fitting bras. Not only are they uncomfortable, un-supportive but they can often be very unflattering as well. Some people don't know how bra sizes really work, others claim they don't care and others even still start protests against the need for women to even wear bras (in the name of feminism of course). Genuinely, this frustration is completely understandable because of how ridiculous it is to have to go through the simple process of buying a bra when you get stuck with having to wear something uncomfortable and unflattering or leave with a single bra and an empty wallet.

How much better would it be if things changed for us women and the bras you find in stores. What if all it took was a little more education and a little less settling for less than we deserve. Who really knows. What I do know is that it doesn't hurt to try, and it certainly doesn't hurt to take a stand and start the conversation and education. Bras are a part of being a women, and they can be stressful, or they can be a lot of fun. I hope that if you are a women, you go away from this post feeling a little more inspired to take action and find something that works best for you. You deserve it!

Thursday, May 19, 2016

My life calling

I have lived my whole life in fear.  Fear of being noticed.  Of drawing attention. Of being rejected,  criticized.  It has held me back from so much.  I was born a singer. It has always been my love in life.  What guides me and drives me and keeps me whole and sane. I have always expressed,  related,  connected and learned through art but I always knew I wasn't meant to draw.  I don't know why.  And I loved concerts more than I could ever describe, but if I ever imagined myself on that stage, I casted it away because it wasn't for me. It could never be me.  Perhaps deep down I think I knew I was just too afraid. So, no matter how much it called to me or spoke to me, "it wasn't for me.."  Except it was.
I didn't realize just how much; Not even after I finally joined choir and fell in love with it. 
It wasn't until I moved away from home to college,  met a boy, fell in love and got my heart broken that I realized just how much music was calling to me. I  started spending all of my free time sitting by the music department building to rest, to eat and even to listen to our choral music that we were learning to preform. It was all healing and often the only thing I could turn to which always made me happy.
It has been weeks.  Weeks since I was completely moved by Tonu Korvits "Kreek's Notebook",  fell absolutely in love with it,  obsessed,  infatuated..  Weeks since I realized that I needed more music in my life simply to come to where I am.. I.. Have still hesitated to admit it to myself but I am starting to realize that I have been backed into a corner by my soul.  I was born to be a singer.  So much so that I am forcing myself to do more. I need to. To perform.  On my own.  And I am more excited about it than I have ever been about anything.  More excited and oh so terrified. Being a singer means putting myself out there and being vulnerable,  to everyone. In fact,  I have been fighting this calling so much that at the beginning of the year I was thinking of becoming an environmental psychologist. Then I decided I needed to honestly just do computer science and I realized music. Yes,  music. I need more music. I need to live and breathe music if I am to survive.  It is my sanctuary.  My calling.  So truly.
I realized today,  and was telling my roommate how I would take a break from anything in the world to socialize. Anything. Happily. And then I thought.. Anything except singing. And that's  the truth.  My mother can vouch for me that ever since I could talk, I could sing and when I knew a song and was singing it (which happened often,  & I always could remember any number of songs almost word-for-word) I did not want to stop to answer a question or talk to anyone and sometimes even would often not.  Of course,  once I got older I realized that that was kind of rude,  but to this day I am sometimes faced with that struggle of having to take a break from my music.This is something that I have always,  instinctively poured my heart and soul into.  I love it so much. I am afraid to admit it but I think I need to be a director and/or voice teacher.  This love for singing and classical and choral music has also renewed my love for the piano. I still have so much fear, but I am taking my first baby steps on this new adventure.
I feel stronger after everything I have gone through this year. Like I am finally ready to let the world meet me; like I am meant to be this leader; meant to put myself out there and meant to inspire people and make them cry. I could say that I am not running away from this calling any longer, except I am still considering double-major in computer science (and music)  haha. If anything, to give me a stable career. We will see what happens, but right now I do intend to combine those two things somehow in some way. 
I love you!! Thanks for reading this. I had to say that,  if only just to myself because this is all a really scary, hard and exciting new process for me. You are the first to hear the truth! Thank you for being there to support me through it all!

Saturday, May 14, 2016

What I think of as a nice date

I figured this would be worth posting because I am at a stage of life where it is important for me to identify what kind of things I genuinely enjoy and learn more about myself as a person without all of the compromise that comes with a relationship. In the past I have struggled with losing myself in my relationships and I want more than anything to never have that happen to me again. So through my growth process of growing into myself.. here are my ideas about what I would enjoy as dates.

There are lots of different levels to dates. So, I figure I will list them from uber-casual, to casual, to nice to very nice. And these are all things that I personally think I would enjoy. Things are different for everyone, and I think if/when someday I do find a partner again, that this list might expand, but it is important that I say it should not diminish. Here goes:


  • Going to a new place (or a favorite place): coffee shop or park (for a picnic or a walk)
  • Going on a walk somewhere
  • Doing stuff together at home (gaming, cooking, board games, card games, good conversation)


  • Going to a casual event of some kind: improv, comedy, bar.... (when I am 21) 
  • Going out to a nice place for lunch or brunch/breakfast
  • Going on a hike
  • Visiting a state park
  • Going to visit art galleries
  • Going over to partner's house for dinner


  • Going out to a concert: a rock concert or a concert for a favorite artist/musician
  • Going out to a sit-down place for dinner
  • Going out to a nice event of some kind (varies depending on opportunities which arise) 
  • Go visit an art museum

Very Nice

  • Going out to the ballet
  • Going to see the orchestra
  • Going out to see an opera
  • Going out for fancy dinner
 Now, obviously this list is dependent very much on the stage of a relationship with someone; for example, I probably wouldn't expect nor necessarily want someone I just started dating to take me out to a ballet or an opera. But I think this is a nice summary of what I think of when I think of going out on dates with a partner.

Monday, May 9, 2016

"milk and honey" by rupi kaur

For those of you who don't know, "milk and honey" by rupi kaur is a book of poetry about the love and loss and pain that we humans feel.
If you read my blog, you probably know I have had a lot of that in the last couple of years. Things have just been kind-of crazy. So, one of my friends handed me this book and said, "Read it."
It was clear that I was going to read it (or else) so I did. And it was one of the best books I have read in a long time. It touched me so much, and inspired/helped me so much--to feel validated and united with other people who go through or have gone through such similar experiences-- that I want to share with you a number of poems that particularly stuck out to me from this book. I am going to quote them in an order which has personal, significant (chronological) relevance to me.

i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own
i  want to be so complete
i could light a whole city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of us combined could set it on fire

pg. 59

love will come
and when love comes
love will hold you
love will call your name
and you will melt
sometimes though
love will hurt you but
love will never mean to
love will play no games
cause love knows life
has been hard enough already

pg. 60

he placed his hands
on my mind
before reaching
for my waist
my hips
or my lips
he didn't call me
beautiful first
he called me

-how he touches me

pg. 54
what am i to you he asks
i put my hands in his lap
and whisper you
are every hope
i've ever had
in human form

 pg. 49

i want your hands
to hold
not my hands
your lips
to kiss
not my lips
but other places

pg. 73

your name is
the strongest
positive and negative
connotation in any language
it either lights me up or
leaves me aching for days

pg. 67

Well here are some, not even the best or the most impactful. I chose so many, I couldn't narrow it down enough, but with 50 bookmarks or so in this book, and not all the time in the world, I just gave the book back to my friend before I just kept it forever. Alas, these are only a tiny few of the amazing, thoughtful experiences of poetry that were found in this book. 5 stars: would recommend!


Maybe it's time I took a step back.
Took a breath. Stopped to listen.
What is the point, of all the fear?
Why does it matter, what other people think, how other people care?
The truth is, it doesn't. But maybe I am the only one who sees that.
There are so many worse things in the world than being honest with yourself.
And I am. I will be. Honest. It is who I am. How I survive.

Do not worry or despair.
Be grounded. You got this.
Whatever it is, no matter what the trial, you got this.
Hush now, my dear. It's time you rest your head.
Rest your mind. Rest your soul, it's time you go to bed.
The sun has gone to sleep. The earth is sleeping.
Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Let your soul be at peace.
Pray the Lord watch and keep you.
Rest rest rest.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Rant: Life, liberals, the Internet, gripes?

I  take life very seriously. Not life as in our journey; life as in life; creation.  I  take everything from plants to birds to insects to pets to human beings...  All very seriously. They're  precious. I  love them. 
It is disappointing when I go through life or on the Internet and come across two things:
People trying to normalize things like abortion
And people who complain about their periods persistently.  Now,  the first one seems pretty obvious. I mean,  yeah,  alright.  Abortion is very controversial for this moral reason; enough said. 
And I suppose now that I think about it,  there are countless incidents of things on the Internet that just make me sad. People are connecting in many good ways,  but also in bad ones.  People have grouped together and identified together based on their gripes a lot of the time. My example that I used was about girls complaining about periods.  Yeah, we all do it at some point in our lives, but there's also a point where you need to suck it up and be grateful for a body which is able to procreate. I felt really sick when I saw or heard things like: "Why can't we just bleed for 1 hour. Okay! We get it!  We're not pregnant! God should have only given it to us for 1 hour to let us know that."
If only more people understood the benefit of being humbled.
Maybe it's  just that it got old and I was in a mood when I saw it (one too many times) or maybe it was the wording (which I didn't quote because it's just my memory now) but I just got frustrated!  Yes!  Periods suck! So does being homeless or getting limbs amputated or having cancer! Why can't we be grateful! Periods are a part of who we are. It is a cycle which God created for us and it has its place just like any hardship has its place in our lives! It is beautiful!
So anyway, it's not exactly my problem. I  suppose I just needed to rant. There is nothing I can do or say to change the minds of the strangers in the Internet or the people in the world...
But I care. I care because it stands out to me.  I want to urge people to be more mindful and learn gratitude. Gratitude is one of most healing things a person can learn and experience. Truly.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Bitter thought of sadness

Love. If it's meant to happen, it will. If it isn't meant to happen, it won't. If everyone fucks up, it'll die before it gets a chance to happen.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Personal Pep-talk

As of right now, there are 7.4 billion people on planet earth. If you believe every living creature is created out of good,  then there is no reason you should ever fear being alone.
By living in goodness and gentleness, love reciprocates. Even when you don't seek it, love will find you.
Jesus was the example of this. The proof; that even when there are those who curse you, you can still bless them and even when those hurt you, you can still love them. Love can and does always prevail.  That is what it is born to do. Succeed. Do not be afraid. You will never be alone. You will never be without love. You are born of it.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

My Period of Relief

Never before have I been so enthused about having my period. My deep inner desire to shed my uterine lining and bleed out all of my pains, sorrows and feelings is representative of my entire, pure, and gorgeous woman-being and my life in its current state.
Like my thick blood, I shed out all of the attachments,  feelings,  guilt,  responsibility and passion for my past lovers and renew my single being. I am ready.

True Beauty

I  have discovered that there is little so attractive to me as a handsome young man with a prayer rope wrapped around his wrist.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

I am an Orthodox Christian

What if I said, being gay, masturbating, having sex, or drinking alcohol were an insignificant smidgen of our concerns.

We learn to know that sins are more complicated than just that. It is not black and white. Labeling one sin as being worst over the other is stupid.  Our sins are something of which only God knows the truth of their nature. But through meditation and mindfulness, we can learn the truth about ourselves too.
Your sins are not our problem (or at least they shouldn't be). Our problem and our focus is on ourselves. If you are conscious and clear, you know we can't really help anyone until you first help yourself. We can't help anyone until we learn first how to love ourselves or how to truly live a life in love out of love and with love.

All the great saints and people of the church have an inner clarity. A focus and a calm.
We have a mutual understanding that we are all sinners. Being a sinner is part of being human and the way you label a specific sin should always be of little consequence to another human. The only one who can truly know the state of your soul are God, and with prayer and meditation,  yourself. Even then, we may never see all our own sins, nor perhaps should we. We can not handle that burden. Only God has the power to know all evil and still forgive. But do not despair, God forgives all who come to him with a pure heart and good intention.
I believe that most people in the world have good intention. It does not matter who you are or where you come from. Good intention is built into our nature as humans.

But this evil and sin stuff is why we have confession in our church. A self-emptying ritual to God alone,  that we may always ask for his forgiveness and love in strength to do what is good for our soul. This is significant, not only in releasing your burdens and turmoils of your heart, but by being honest about your mistakes and feelings of guilt, and believing that someone will always love you anyway is an incredibly healing experience which the Orthodox Church gives.

Another note: It is of utmost importance to us that we pray (unceasingly) to God that he forgive our sins because without him, we can not learn to truly forgive ourselves or truly receive healing. We are only human and humans make mistakes. It's how we are; but it is a mystical, gentle kind of love to be able to see an imperfect being and to love them in every way for every thing that they are. I believe in a God who is like this; one who is constantly reaching out to each and every one of us in our own lives and own ways.

Perhaps, all we need to do is learn the humility to listen. As a christian, it is pride to think that we will ever be worthy or that we will ever be sinless. For in the moment which we confess our sins, a moment later, we will sin again. It is in our nature, but God knows this and he loves us anyway. This is why I believe in God. I believe in love; a love so powerful, no human could ever learn enough humility or gratitude to to fully comprehend it's wisdom, but Jesus was sent down to Earth to show and teach us that a love that gentle and powerful is possible for each and every one of us.
So, while we live with our religious tradition, you should never hear an Orthodox Christian condemn gays or sexuality. We have our tradition,  of which marriage is meant for a man and a women, but love is always of the utmost importance. People may not realize, but sexuality without unconditional love is the only sexual sin; a sin like any other sin of passion (exe gluttony).

I believe that sexuality was a gift given to us as a means to bond man and women (or two partners) for life and in unity, to unite and strengthen their bond of love and devotion and their journey to God together. There is no true love without God and there is no God without true love (agape).

With any true love, it important to remember that forgivness, flexibility and understanding are always present. I don't believe in a God that is going to punish someone for having more than one partner in life. I think that God will always know a person's heart and how it is fair to judge them. It is never something a human can say for anyone else or any group of people. This is only something that you and God can know together. This is why I dislike and find so much fault in mass christian ideas which are imposing on others. The bottom line is always love. The continuities are between an individual and God. Friends or family (in Christ) are there to be supportive, to listen, to grow and learn together, but not to impose or judge. This is not to say that the Christian church doesn't have guidelines. Of course we do. But one thing that I love so much about the Orthodox church is the fluidity and understanding that every individual thinks and feels this world differently and the only way to truly be one with God is also to be yourself. This is something I think that many protestant religions (Western Christianity) doesn't make room for. I see too many elements of group mentality and conformity which I believe to be unhealthy and dangerous in almost all forms.

Back to preaching :
Once you learn what true love is, (something I believe God has ingrained deep into each of our spirits and beings) and you find peace and forgiveness and humility, then you will find God. It is and always will be that simple. And yet, this is a journey which is always ongoing! Always a challenge and a battle for each and every one of us in our own ways. Being mindful will save your heart and soul and carry you back into the arms of your true self, who you were intended to be (and that is one with God).
Never curse yourself! You are and always will be God's beloved and it is never too late to find love, within yourself, for yourself and for others. This peace and happiness and everything on Earth was a gift from God,  your creator, to you. Treat it with a kindness and gentleness of heart. The way a loving mother treats a child and the way everyone and everything was meant to be treated.
For those of you who are spiritual,  but not religious, let me define "sin".  A sin is an action,  attitude,  feeling or desire which distances you from inner harmony, peace, balance. Anger (wrath) , jealousy, lust, envy, pride, greed, gluttony..  Are among the many,  complex ways in which we experience sin (or a lack of unity) with our true-selves or (Communion with God/peace)
But I want to be clear, feelings and desires are a part what make us who we are. They have a place. But that place is to not rule us. A "sin"  is a "sin",  but that doesn't make you inherently evil. When you self-reflect, you must always judge the spirit of things; the intent. Not the label.  Labels mean nothing.  Labels are something made by us (imperfect, sinful humans) which we use in order communicate with each other and nothing more.

If you genuinely go through and read the bible,  you will see this is what Jesus does. This is how he judges and this is how God judges in the old testament too. God judges the spirit of things and only God can truly know what's in your heart.
So if you find yourself living for passions and sins, doing harm to others and enjoying it, feel fear. Feel fear because God sees this in your heart. Pray that you never fall so far as this and that you can learn to be mindful so that you make good progress rather than negative; And this progress is a progress to happiness, to balance and to unity with your essence and your being.
May the force be with you and may God bless you and keep you from evil. Amen

Sunday, April 3, 2016

My Story of Spiritual Enlightenment and Personal Evolution

Changed names to protect privacy. 

"Do not despair." These words, seemingly simple, have grown to mean a lot to me. Not only is despair from the devil, from a falling away from God's love and truth,  but despair is a lack of gratefulness. We all go through hard times in life. For me, these last few months have been a Rollercoaster. I  met a young man here at college who completely changed my life. He grabbed me out of a large pit I had dug myself through my past mistakes and self-pity and he basically said (in my translation), "Get off your ass.You are better than this. Look at you. You are wonderful. Why are you still holding yourself back from being the person God made you to be?"
Partially through example and partially through our sincere intellectual conversations, he reminded me of the person who I am, the person I want to be and the I had become. None of which were quite the same.
So let me tell you this story. Although it is still in play, this is the story of how I found myself, or rather, how I began to find myself again. It all started with a change. A change of scenery to be exact.  I  moved away from home to college. I moved to a beautiful town which I now call home. 

Throughout high school, I dated a boy, (for about 3 years) who I was very drawn to. It didn't take long before I cared deeply about him (for me this is no surprise). Unfortunately, I was young and didn't understand certain things as truly as I do now, but truly caring about someone + chemistry (sexual attraction) does not equal love. It took me until I moved away to college to realize that what I had was bad for me. Very bad for me. I was giving and giving and giving, but what I really needed in order to be happy, I was not getting. I was not getting what I needed from myself and I was not getting what I needed for my mental health, my spiritual health, my sexual health or my intellectual health. A snippet of that story is this: I was constantly trying to show him the beauty of the world and my religion; how I viewed the world. But, he wasn't religious in any sense. Although he said that he was "christian", he had no real concept of religion. On top of that, his family, the only family he had, have toxic relationship and personal habits and attitudes, and as he was growing older, he was not setting up boundaries between him and his family which I could see that he needed in order to truly grow and let his pure colors shine. I was absolutely taking all of his problems and making them my own. I lost my identity in that relationship with him, and I was very unhappy.

So I arrived at college, (here's where stuff starts to get interesting/dramatic/exhausting) and the first thing I realize is how happy I am; how free I am from all of the burdens of the past. There was something extremely renewing and refreshing about stepping away from my family and boyfriend and boyfriend's family and creating my own nest just for myself. For the first time in years, their problems were not my problems. That physical distance was life-altering. I went weeks and weeks (maybe months) without going home to visit and I was invigorated. 
However, on the side with my boyfriend, things started to get messy. I didn't look forward to talking to him anymore. I just didn't text him unless I felt like I needed to in order to be a good girlfriend. At first, I was all gushy and sweet (like I had always been to him; even after hard times; where I had even almost broken up with him many times in the past) and I remember I still wasted my money on him. This was something I did to somehow make me feel better about how our relationship was going; or something, I don't know, but it was unhealthy. Then, I met Sam. It wasn't until I realized how happy I was just being Sam's friend that I realized how much I dreaded talking to my boyfriend. Dreaded. Genuinely. Just the thought of having to text him stirred up anxiety and tension for me.
My healing process had begun. 
I met Sam at my first church service at the local orthodox church in my college's town. The first thing that happened was he asked if I knew <name>, someone I knew who happened to be his roommate; totally not related to being orthodox. I was like.. "yeaah?" And he said, "He's my roommate. How do you know him?" I explained that that person had been my TA at a summer Game Design class that I took. "Oh, do you play games?" "Yes! I am a gamer." "So am I". This is how we first met. An orthodox person. Another orthodox person, my age, whom I had not previously met, who was also a gamer. That fact, right there, alone, was too good to be true. And on that day, not even thinking about dating anyone other than the boyfriend whom I was still with at the time, I felt an immense wave of joy and feeling of fate. I knew that this new person, Sam, was put into my life for a reason. I was beyond overjoyed and beyond excited. This was something I had never experienced before and always only ever dreamed about. Seriously. *sigh* Can't. Even. *sigh*
So, of course, I... just.. opened up to him. Almost instantly, and texted him, and tried to remain calm and normal? but, I am pretty sure that didn't happen. We started to hang out more in person and get to know each other better. Ugh. It's hard to tell this story because I have so many regrets about how I handled this. I did not tread softly or carefully, I jumped into it and of course, it couldn't hold my weight and it broke beneath me and as I thought I was totally growing wings and flying, I was actually falling to my death... or, well, my near death with sharp rocks and rushing water and somehow with the help of.. anyone and anything and a lot of myself, I made it out alive. And then I grew a big layer of tough skin and gained a couple of levels and a shitton of xp. Okay, moving on..
One of the things that stuck out the most about Sam to me at first was how be genuinely made me laugh. A lot. Like, his sense of humor just got me right in the place that detects and enjoys humor.
Anyway, stuff happened, I got a crush on Sam (no surprises) and I broke up with my high school boyfriend (something that needed to happen for a long time now).

And so, I didn't grieve properly. I was too overjoyed by Sam's new existence in my life to really do the needed growth and grieving as actively as I should have. But in a lot of ways, Sam's role in my life helped me do that. He has helped me all the way up until he broke up with me and beyond. I could argue that he continues to help me even now while he isn't even in my life. This makes me smile because I know it to be true. 
Well, so, because he and I started dating within a few weeks after I broke up with my ex, 2.5 out of 3 months I was with Sam, I had a lot of baggage, a lot of emotional stuff, a lot of thoughts and a lot of bad habits with dealing with things and no good methods in place for how to take care of myself in the ways that needed to be done. Samuel was more than a shoulder; man, he was amazing. He actively listened to me and always gave great advice. He was the first real healthy relationship I had ever had. Not only did he teach me a lot, but he inspired me by being the kind of person he was. He was the first person I had dated who could and did have rich intellectual conversations with me. The chemistry and the respect were all there and his extreme self-control I found to be one of the most attractive things about him. Being with him taught me a lot about the kind of person I wanted to be and the kind of person I wanted to be with in the future. Dating him was my first step to gaining confidence in myself; my true grown-up self. Not only did I feel free, but I felt that I not only could, but was very motivated to grow into the adult I am meant to be as a person. Not motivated enough though, unfortunately, and after I had grown out of my ex-boyfriend baggage, I had adopted the toxic habits that made me unhealthy with my ex-boyfriend. I began to lose myself again and make excuses.  I was sucking up to my fears. Breaking up with me was Samuel's best option.
When he broke up with me, however, there was definitely at least a month of setback because it all came to me as a shock. I felt the most secure with him than I had ever felt with anyone; and for the first time, without clinginess. In fact, I was the happiest, most satisfied I had ever been and he is an extremely independent, self-sufficient person. 
However, after I had mentally come to terms with what happened, and really mostly just got used to him not being in my life. Now, I feel like I am the strongest me I have ever been. I know exactly who I want to be and what I need to do to be that person. It sucks, it is hard as hell sometimes, but I power through anyway. Mostly, my anxiety holds me back. My sadness and missing him is still there, and sometimes it hurts a lot, but I know he would want me to put myself first and grow into this wonderful person I am meant to be; a person without fear; a person who doesn't make excuses and doesn't hold themselves back. I still think that we could grow from a friendship with each other in many ways, but I know that if we do develop a friendship again, that is not something that can be forced or rushed, and I especially want any interest of any kind to come from him first because he is the one who needed to get away from me.
But anyway, on top of all this personal growth that this experience has given me; new perspectives on myself, my relationships with myself and others, and this new inner voice in my head urging me onward, being with him gave me a new inspiration to seek out my religion as something of greater or equal importance in my life to anything else. In high school, my religion got put on the back-burner of my identity, and I have since realized how detrimental this is to my personal health and happiness. This is something I never want to happen again, and so I have a renewed religious energy and motivation; So many new motivations to grow into this person who I want to be, and he helped me rediscover who that is. I wouldn't be here without him.
So, I would like to end this on a note (prayer) of Gratitude. Thank you Lord, for all these experiences you have given me; sad and happy, good and bad, easy and difficult, for they all help me grow in the end, hopefully to become the person you intended me to me; through your Grace, Mercy, Love and thy will be done. Amen.