Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Monogamy, Polyamory and Relationships

I will more than likely offend some people with this topic choice, but I feel I need to explain my view of relationships and monogamy. Recently, I have stumbled across some points of view, on the internet, or otherwise that basically argue that polyamory is healthier than monogamy. Here's the thing, it is natural to like multiple people, have crushes on multiple people, and in some cases, perhaps (although I have not experienced it myself) love more than one person. But when you feel this way, ask yourself: Do you love them, or do you fancy them? Do you even know them? Or are they just intriguing to you right now? I have come to realize that love and romance are different things. Often romance begins it all, and can turn into love, but once you have that love, you merely have to look at that person and you know the difference. It is just there. Just because something appears natural doesn't make it a better decision. Intuitions can be deceptive. Trust what you believe in. Trust love, peace, kindness, respect, humility; how those traits cause you to act; or how those traits make you feel. These are the actions and reactions that I believe a person should use as examples for how to grow in life into a better person.

Healthy relationship, indeed are more complicated than we are taught in media growing up, but what it really gets down to is this.. A healthy relationship involves a commitment to a person you love as well as a commitment to yourself. A committed relationship can become unhealthy if a person forgets to take care of themselves, feels unable to take care of themselves, or ceases or lessens having their own time with their own friends doing something that they love, whether their partner shares that interest or not. In a committed relationship, people need to trust each other and have that freedom in order to be healthy and happy, while still having open communication about the adventures they had with their friends on their own time.

So, how does this relate to polyamory? The argument I have heard is that it is healthier to pursue all your romantic relationships. Obviously choosing to be polyamorous or not is a lifestyle choice that is not for everyone, but as someone who knows it is not for me and chooses to be monogamous, I feel compelled to express that I do not believe it is healthier to be polyamorous. I would even argue the opposite, that it can be healthier to be monogamous. Admittedly, and because I have more than one friend who is polyamorous, I will say this is merely because I was brought up an orthodox christian and through that, I believe that commitment to your single partner is very important.

So my argument is this; I believe that one can have a very healthy relationship with only one partner. Even forever. It is natural to have crushes on other people throughout life. But it is your choice to act on those feelings or not which decides what kind of person you are. I see people fall apart, and when people go through divorces, it truly saddens me. I believe that if you are open-hearted and open-minded and honest with your partner from the beginning, that this doesn't need to happen. Divorce and relationships are a difficult topic; one I have yet to adapt to understanding with clarity and no bias.

But what I do know and understand is this... It is never right to make your spouse your enemy. If you have a personality conflict, a couple should address it before you decide to get married. When you get married, have a mind of clarity, not lust or passion. Life should be lived with peace. People should be gentle with every little thing in their life, because being gentle is what gives life, and love and growth and nurturing. This is good, and I believe this is attainable through humbling yourself, admitting your mistakes, talking about them, and continuing to love and forgive.

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