Sunday, November 10, 2013

The Period Rant

Me:
girls sexually mature slower than guys, but guys emotionally/mentally mature slower than girls--it's weird how that works

Can I rant?

Guy Friend:
Yes

Me:
Well, firstly. It starts out with sudden sadness right. Legitimate, extreme sadness. And at teh same time, the urge to laugh. Your body is freaking out and you literally want to cry and laugh and it just makes you want to scream because your body is literally implanting these falsely imposed emotions on you that you ARE FEELING but your brain KNOWS that there is NO FUCKING REASON TO FEEL THEM. SO you freak out and don't know what to do
Me:
most women take it out through crying, whining, complaining. There is literally nothing else you can fucking do. Nothing. You feel like you are going insane
you are depressed and elated at the same time. And it is horrible. Because none of it is your own emotions.
Secondly, your entire lower region, from your belly button to the end of your pelvis, your insides feel like they are twisting and pushing and stretching and scraping and some girls feel sharp pains. Some girls have it so bad they literally can not move. Basically, all your girl parts feel like they are on fire and sore and achey.

Guy Friend:
Holy shit

Me:
I am not even done

Guy Friend:
This sounds terrifying

Me:
it really is
Sometimes you get headaches and sometimes you feel really dizzy like the world is spinning leading up to and during (btw, all of this is leading up to and during) your period.
But the worse part is when it happens. I am not even going to go into the blood because it is just nasty and you don't want to hear about it and I don't want you to vomit.
So, let me tell you about the stress.
Me:
All girls. Some more than others, worry about leaking. It is that heavy and that strong and that disgusting and bad that it will frequently be somewhere on their mind when they are having their monthly time, and they can't forget about it. They can't unsee things. They have to make sure they have all the supplies to keep clean. They can't let anyone know they are on it because most people will be uncomfortable. Luckily girls have girls. And I almost have Zach who I will just bluntly whine to. The easiest way to keep yourself clean is through tampons, which if you use them.. you can get a deadly disease. It is rare, but it does exist.
Guy Friend:
Well.
Well.
Well.
Thaaaat sucks

Me:
Oh! And another thing!

The meat products we feed everyone and eat all the time in our society are so chemically contaminated, that it is so common that it effects girls cycles that they REQUIRE birth control pills to regulate their cycle so that they don't bleed constantly. CONSTANTLY. eventually, without pills they would become anemic because they lose so much iron

and so much blood
And I personally know ... at least 4 people.. who are on birth control pills only because their cycles are fucked up
like, badly fucked up

Guy Friend:
So um im really glad im not a girl

Me:
meh, you get used to it
All I am saying is that it makes sense why girls mature faster. Like I said, they need to.

Guy Friend:
Yea
Seriously


Rosemary thoughts:
But in the long run, It is worth it to be a girl. You feel more crappy emotions, but it makes the happy ones seem brighter. Ignorance may be bliss, but sometimes knowledge and understanding is even happier. Not to mention, girls have a beautiful privilege to bear human life inside of them. To take care of something before it even sees the light of day. To be nurturing and compassionate where the life has nothing and no one else to care for it. Being a girl is about hope and love and understanding, and I believe it is a blessing to be a girl.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Dear Mom (Today after school...)



10/8/2013

Dear Mom,

        Today when I go back home from school and I put on the kettle to boil tea. I saw that there was my favorite, special, TARDIS mug which was given to me as a gift for my 16th birthday, completely ruined.
        Honestly, I was devastated. I was really upset. I wanted to smash the mug there and then and rid myself of it's warped, ruined sight. It didn't take long before I was shouting and cussing and crying and asking God—or air— why people make all these mistakes. Asking, and pleading why they never listen to me when I tell them not to do certain things. Why they don't read labels, and even if they are just trying to help, they make things worse because they don't do it right.
        As you can imagine, this sprouted into a whole rant/speech that I gave to God about all my feelings and questions about life and sadness and trials and hurt and everything. About half-way through my rant, tears running down my face, I took the poor old mug and dropped it into the garbage can, whole and all. It is my mug. It was given to me as a gift, and I recognize I can do with it what I want. I could have broken it, and relieved stress, but then I would have had to clean up all the broken pieces which would be both dangerous, and difficult.
        Fortunately, during my speech, I was enlightened again, as I have been so many times by God. At first I was feeling hate and frustration, but now, I am feeling love and happiness. I am feeling a yearning for peace and forgiveness. A yearning so strong that I had to take the time to type you this letter. The truth is, I love you. It would be ungrateful and dishonest if I said I didn't. You try so hard to make dad and I happy, and although you make the same mistakes over and over again, you really do want to make us happy and you do try to do what is right. It's not about the result, everyone makes the same mistakes more than once. It's about the heart. Everything in life is about the heart, and with stress and irritation, anger, and laziness, it is easy to overlook that.
        I hope you can please forgive me for getting upset, and I hope you can accept my forgiveness of you for making mistakes. It's not easy to live life. It's especially not easy to keep good relationships with people. Especially when you are so close to them. Let's forget about the broken cup. It's sad, but many things in life are, and life is no good if you always remember them. I threw it away so we would forget about it. We have enough mugs to live our lifestyle, anyway. (and that's not the only thing we have enough of). I would much rather lose a mug than lose a good relationship with you. I learned that today.
        Please don't talk about the mug. Not even in reference to this letter. The mug is gone. It never happened. And by the time you get home, I probably will have something else on my mind anyway, and you should too (except that you will probably read this when you get home).

Sincerely,

Xenia

Monday, September 9, 2013

It's been too long

It's been too long since I went outside, and just sat there or lied there in the sun, aware, but not alone. It's been too long since I absorbed the energy of the sun or the birds or the trees around me. It's been a long long long long time since I took a break from life. For over a year now, the world has been spinning, rapidly, busily. Things have been growing, moving, changing. The world has been living. The world has been singing. The world has been humming, cheering, running. I have been watching, escaping. Too much of this, too much of that. Not enough time. Not enough time. Take some advice. Don't live your life like that. Don't live your life worrying, and planning. Don't live your life working and working. Seize the moment. Take life as it comes. You will find yourself happier. Calmer. Don't worry about everything. Take the time. Just some time, to do nothing. Do nothing but sit in the sun, in the shade, in a tree, by a stream, by a lake, and think. Take it all in. Breathe. Sing. Listen. Give yourself peace. It is tangible if you let it be.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Career Searches to plan for college

So, my family is working with a college planning person who is telling me to use their online career search to find a common interest of something to build my resume around.


Story of my life...


Saturday, May 25, 2013

Let me be there for you


The greatest gift of all
I had you in my arms
I felt you with my hands
I heard your breath
I felt your kiss
I cannot cause you pain
Yet the words slip from my lips like poison
The words they drop into your mind
Your mind so strong as steel
Your heart so sweet as strawberries
Unaware the pain I cause
I want to hold you in my heart
Can you forgive an imperfect beauty
In your eyes such a lovely sweet flower
Who struck you when ill
I cannot bear the thought
How could I be more cruel
Was this really me
I mean you no harm
So cruel to me is your pain
So stab in my soul and be done
I cannot bear the thought of you gone
Let you weep in my arms
Let me hold your head to my heart
When your tears fall down
Let me wipe them off
Will you forgive a hag
Forgive this horrid imperfection
My love is like a thousand flowers
I hope you see them bloom
Let us dance in them together
In a field under the moon
Because I love you, I truly do.

~5/25/13

The Infinite Drop

.................................................
............................................
You feel like you're falling
you've lost your footing
you are flying down
down down down

You are lost in time
what got you wrong
it seems like you're falling
one last time down

Why is the world spinning
around and around and around
you know that you're falling
down down down

How did you get here
what step was so wrong
and yet you are falling
your feet left the ground

Its that everything's lost
the wind is your savior
the drop is infinite
down down down

Did you say something wrong
what was the last word
is love now all gone
who will catch at the bottom

Space is your destiny
nothing left but gravity
you see that you're falling
alone down down down

Flying not floating
tears soaring ahead
the Earth has you in motion
drop drop drop
when will you reach the end?
...................................
.............................
........................
.....................
.................
..............
...........
.......
...
.

~5/25/13~

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Inventions and Stuff

So, I've decided to start blogging about how I'm the kind of person who thinks up useful inventions, and usually just forgets them later. So, now whenever I think up a useful invention, and I find that someone has already invented it. I will blog about it.
Well today I thought of an invention and decided to look it up and possibly figure out how to patent stuff. Apparently someone beat me to the Pencil Extender.

http://www.jetpens.com/E-M-Peanpole-Wood-Pencil-Extender-Black/pd/7351?gclid=CIX4h4ntm7cCFYU5Qgod3y8Axg

Because right now this is my life:
 And some part of me feels guilty about taking out another longer pencil.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Cute little Robin

The girl (or boy) here made a nest under my deck again this year. The cutest thing. I spent around 30minutes after school one day just photographing birds.

Lilly my kitty cat

I love this girl. She's the sweetest, cutest and (not arguably) the best cat ever.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Turning



Spring is in the air again
it seems the sorrow's here again
I don't know why
I dream to fly

yet the weight of gravity
possesses me
weighs down
not just my body
but my mind

School, work
day, night
schedules and dreary delight

the wheels of the days are turning
through my mind
like an ongoing Ferris wheel
of unhappy repetition

Although sometime seemingly light the load
it seems my mind cant help but weep in pain
as the wheels are turning
and the work load comes as it leaves

my heart is unhappy
unsatisfied
what is wrong
Oh bliss!
Where have thou gone!
Nostalgia!
Crying out to me in misery!

Come back my love
come back my peace
come back to me
dearest innocence of youth

Don't wave your banner of joy
through the intangible window
My heart yearns for you
and you seize the peace
you steal it from my hands

as a lover lets go
soft hands
fingers running across
across and away

Letting go
I know you shall come again
I hear you near my heart
I feel you in my mind

when your hand leaves
the crevices of mine
I know inside
it will be alright

'tis but for a while
my yelping heart
goes back to natural beats
slowly
surely

3-28-13