Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Me, myself and I

Talking about myself and my strengths in life make me feel selfish and arrogant, however, given that my self-confidence level is way down lately, I hope you don't mind if I talk about myself.

In a way, I am incredibly good at pretending that I know things. Even the things I am most passionate about, to be honest, I don't know a lot about. —Other than my faith in God, these things tied are: Valve Games and Joss Whedon movies/shows/productions.— Everyone naturally tries to be accepted in life in someway. I've caught myself pretending to know all about the things I'm into. Well, I don't know more than the obvious. What I'm trying to say is, I don't look things up. My first excuse is that I just don't remember things anyway, which is partly true. There are a lot of things I don't remember. Another is that I love so many different things that I never find time to study merely one of them. In the same way that I am not afraid of snakes, spiders, bats, the dark, needles, blood, organs, ghosts etc..., There isn't a lot I dislike doing. I love horror, comedy, romance, playing sports (for fun, with friends), playing video games, playing board games, talking, writing, reading, singing, drawing, playing the piano, writing music, writing poetry, making videos, taking pictures... etc.

But I am shy. And loud. One of my friends calls me a classic introvert. I am in a way, but I am an extrovert as well. I grew up an only child with close parents. I had the same circle of friends, and we never moved much. I was always shy. I was always scared of people. I still am. To me, I find it exhausting trying to deal being with large groups of people. Even more than 4, even if they are all my friends. Ridiculously, it's overwhelming. People stress me out, but it's not like that. As long as I know them. As long as I am close to any or most of any number of people, I can be as crazy or outgoing as ever, and that's fine. Afterwards I feel relieved and tired. I think some of you may know what I mean.

On another note, out of people I see or meet, I've always felt like I had more in common and closer connections to the older kids. For the longest time, I couldn't ever be close with them. They were always older and there was always something preventing them from accepting me without labels or expectations. I've never really been an understandable character anyway, not even to myself. Now that I get older, I see everyone else around me grow up, and as people have told me, and I have noticed, I am way more mentally ahead of some of them. I would love to make friends with the Juniors and Seniors. I would die to have coffee with the college kids and talk. The thing is that I don't even know if I could talk to them. There are many things that I don't know or understand or haven't had experience with that people with such a large age difference would understand. Things that I do learn I frequently forget, and I don't have a lot of time or connections to make friends with these people. I'd be too shy and afraid to go and say hi to them. Even if I have things in common with them. Deep inside, I fear rejection. That's not all. Deep inside, I fear the world. I fear leaving the comfort zone I am so used to. And I'm afraid of failing. Even though I know I will. That's how people grow is by failing and trying things again. I'm not a risk taker. I don't like taking risks, or dealing with new situations. And I don't want to be alone.


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