Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Personal feelings and Social interactions

This year has been a trial, I must say. It's funny, I have a lot less homework this year than last year, but every little assignment we have is now taken much more seriously. The downside to that is that not every student actually takes it seriously (not a change there). For some reason, at school, I've made an effort to fit in and connect with others. I honestly hate it, but I can't really help it. I just get so lonely if I feel like I don't fit with someone. I've actually made a few new friends and got to know older ones better this year too, but that doesn't seem to change my unwanted effort. I guess I sorta have a fear of rejection. I never would have noticed it, but how I act around people showed this to be true. The only real new friends I've made are boys. That's not an all bad thing. I honestly really like boys as people, not just bfs or crushes. In fact, I often wish I was a boy.. There are a few downsides to only making new guy-friends though... Being as they are of the opposite gender, they may get a crush on me. Not to be self-centered or anything, but it actually frequently happens. Especially when they are nerd boys, which, guess what, they ALWAYS are. Why? Just because I already automatically have things in common with them. They are easier to approach. I am a gamer girl. All of the 'normal' guys think that's weird. It actually kinda hurts when I think about it... avoiding that.. Although I love friends like them, I just wish that other guys would notice me too. I  personally 'like' guys more when they are not completely nerds. Nerd boys are like bros to me. Like best friends, not dating guys. I guess that's part of why they are easier to approach. I already gave up on another guy I sorta liked earlier this year because I don't hang out with that crowd, wear make-up, straighten my hair and could NEVER ever dare talk to people in that crowd because, hmm.... I hang out with people who actually HAVE personalities. And those crowds never like people who are different for some reason. It makes me so pissed off and sad. I guess it is just something I have to live with. Honestly, I think Clicks are the main thing preventing my friends and I from having nice boyfriends. Because every stupid teenager on this F-ing planet is a stereotypical idiot.

               Speaking on involuntarily making an effort to fit in with others... I even have this problem with my close friends. Some of my girlfriends. I have one friend that always, I swear, always, agrees with my closest [school] friend like she's a big-sister. We are all three friends, but when I am there, it's like my opinion is incorrect because it is different. So, they both tease me and add, " I love you!!....."s in between. And how can they expect my brain to trust the "I love you"s when they always use them after leaving me out in the dust. I've told them how I feel about this multiple times, but they never seem to notice it and just say, "Oh, you. Why do you worry so much, you know we love you!" Looking deep inside, I know they do. How can I not know. But for some reason, part of my brain 'not-knows'. To add to this, my closest [school] friend is a very assertive/aggressive character. She met a guy online and she and him quickly connected. They are like best friends now. I am really happy for her honestly, but she gets mad whenever I hint at her liking him or vise verse. I learned I shouldn't, but sometimes I can't help it. And so we get into arguments with each other. Stupid arguments over how the other person feels about someone else. As if anyone knows how others feel. *facepalm. Last year I had a friend who was so close (yet so far away) to/from me. For some reason we always felt each other's pain and emotion and were there for each other even though we had absolutely nothing in common. We always shared all of our secrets with each other, and both of us being stubborn, when I didn't like a choice she wanted to make, 'to hell with that'. And both ways. She also had a kind of personality nobody understood. She wore wacky clothing to school to make statements and express herself. And she had fun. When she was there, there were no clicks, no fear of rejection. But this year, she moved. We'd been growing so far apart anyway that I didn't think it'd matter to me, but everything changed. People 'the other crowds' always disliked her, and now I am the memory of her to them because she and I were buds. Now, not only do I not have a bud anymore at all, but everyone has already decided that they know how I am. And I am scared to talk to them (other than the people I mentioned). I have mentioned this stuff before to specific people, but they always have a brilliant way to fix the problems. To me, it's way more complex, hard. And I just live with the loss. I suppose someday, I'll make my way, and come out in the world. That's what always happens isn't it.


  1. Yes, it does, and you will.
    I love you Xen-Xen.

  2. I'm glad you're writing here because it helps me know how you're doing without having to call you. (I suck at talking to people on the phone) I truly wish with all my heart that I could go back to your school. If you thought CPJH was bad with cliq's, think again. My school is so cliq ridden that I sit by myself EVERY SINGLE DAY. I have been the nicest I could possibly be, but because of my dancing, love for spiders, and just seeming like a "weird" person, groups laugh or not care or be nice to me one day and forget about me the next. Socially, I am completely freaking depleted.

    With the whole group that hates you because you were close to me thing, I say it's their loss. You don't need people who instantly judge and never give a second chance. Trying to be friends with them might cause more problems than not being friends with them. Like how you can't please everybody, you can't be friends with everybody unless you get rid of yourself. And I don't want you to change, ever, Rosemary. :)