Sunday, January 30, 2011

Time is Running Out!

Time is Running out! And yes, that is a Muse song, a a very good Muse song, I happen to enjoy it. Anyway, I mean seriously, TIEMM IS RUNNING OUT!! A 3 day weekend, completely wasted? I don't know, but it is definetly going by WAaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too fast. I miss 'himmmmm'. And also, plus, also, I am at the last season of Buffy, which happens to be amazing, and Im gonna have to watch the whole show over again when I'm done. LOL! Still looking forward to Comicon, and yeah! bye!

Friday, January 28, 2011

Forever More-Poem by me. :)

Forever more

With a broken heart,
I stand no more,
the need for love,
forever more.

Too tired to live,
to tired to cry,
all I can do is beg,
not in words,
but in mind.
Will it ever mend?

The searing pain,
seems theres nothing to gain.
But how can I stand,
without tears?

Lonely as ever,
forever and ever.
I want it to bend.
Will it ever mend?

But a broken heart,
I can't stand no more,
the need for love,
forever more.


Monday, January 24, 2011

I LOVE Buffy The Vampire Slayer Show!!!

This March:
Emerald City Comicon
I am gonan be there!!!!! Spike from Buffy, James Marsters, Xander from Buffy, Nicholas Brendan, are gonna be there the whole weekend. And I am gonna see them!!!!!!!!!!!! I am goign the whole weekend too. So yeah.. I am really excited. And I had to brag on my blog even though I tried not to brag on Facebook. :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Oh, its just normal, for an emotional 8th grade girl

I have too many tough emotions. I'm sick of letting myself cry. And I don't wanna write another BOOHOO bs poem. I feel like all this girl crap is leading to one explanation, Doubt. To be exact, I don't feel like I have proof of his love for me. I am being honest now. A not-expressive boyfriend, does not help with the emotional doubts. I can't read him, understand him, find anything in common with him, or anything. It's just plain stupid!! I am saying that because it has got me so annoyed that if I were to be any more expressive than I am now, there would be obvious exaggeration. You can see from the first part, I hate being vulnerable. Crying, is access to a key to vulnerability. The more you cry, or the more you let yourself cry, the easier the access to the vulnerability is. Its like a drug.
Because I have a busy life, and am behind schedule, I am gonna go now. But if you know me, you'd probably think, "Xen, but you could write forever and ever, and never clearly reach your main point." And it is true. And that is why I must go.

Self-control is one of the greatest gifts God can give us. Okay, don't you start Xen! this could lead to a billion other topics, and I told you, I refuse to continue this beyond any farther!


PS: reasons: why I talk to myself. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who I can truly relate to. And it's true. But lonely.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Lost but not alone

Lost but not alone

I'm so lost,
Like a unsure life,
through a thick, stormy haze.
Will it ever stop?

Your probably just the same,
but how should I ever know?
Your unique silent love,
is dense, and uneasy,
yet the fact remains unknown.

My love, is he gone?
Has the wind blown him away?
Like all the other things,
the ones that I love.

I'm so lost,
should I remain to regain,
or leave, and experience.
When does this end?
Will it ever stop?

I am not.
I am never,

Yet the thought,
should I venture,
should I risk?

My mind, it spins,
yet the dizziness hasn't entered my head.
Love, what is love,
I shall never learn.

For every time I see him,
the term changes in meaning.
Every time it rains,
a new thought, new phrase,
to describe what is happening,
appears in my head.

Lost, I am lost.
But never alone.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Recent Poems

Forever misunderstood

Everyone misunderstands me,
All of my friends, all of my loves,
I selfishly see myself as beautiful,
Always needing someone close.

Not always close to the body,
but never leavig the soul.

My mind, it meeds a partner.
My thoughts, they need some help.
My self, it needs a connection.

A strong, forever-lasting connection.
But their's noone like me,
I'm too unique.
My only perfect partner,
is God.
But forever?

Will I never have kids,
never raise a family,
never have a husband?

But live with God only forever?
Would it still be life?
In a way I suppose.
Only church, only knitting.

Life like that?
That may be heaven.
But then, would it be to me?
If that be heaven,
would I enjoy going there?
Would I go there?


A blanket of white,
covers the ground.

a sense of calm,
fills the air.

Sparkling in the sunlight, or
falling gracefully under a lamp-post,
in the thick, dark night.

While cozy, and warm by the fire,
the coated, fluffy Earth sends out good vibes,
like angels,
or a church choir.

I stop to follow a flake,
like crystals,
it flows down softly,
like feathers.

So perfect,
I could cry.
Yet no tear could fill my joy.

All is calm,
all is free,
and none more beautiful than snow.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Snowing much?

I was looking forward to the 'snowstorm' that I was supposed to get... Its sooooo sad because the weather decided to change so that it'd snow for about 2 hours, then rain, then be warmer, but not warm enough to be warm. I AM SO SAD!!!!!!! LIFE IS SO DULL WITHOUT SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............................................................................................


Monday, January 10, 2011

Lost, lost... Ever found?

Selfish, always selfish, and I don't loose things, those things, the ones that are gone. I didn't loose them, I could never loose them. The things that are mine can't be lost. They must have been taken, taken by a ghost, taken forever and ever, never to be seen again. Could there be more pain?

I have lost 3 important things in my life now. I am not coping well either. First I lost a gorgeous prayer rope given to me by my bf. then, I lost my amazing Paramore gloves, that I feel naked without wearing. And NOW, I lost a wii, wheel for Mario Kart. GRRRR!!! The world is being so mean! I never loose things!! EVER!! Until the Prayer Rope, NOTHING! It is soooo hard. I could cry!! (So selfish) 

Thats all, just its on my mind. A LOT.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Easy up--normal down

So, life is kinda, great. I'm a lucky gal. Not much wrong. Only tired more often, and a little love-sick. But I'll get over that soon. I'm glad that this week of school has only 3 more days. Boooyeahhh! I feel like I am growing up faster than I want. But in a way, it could be a good, or bad thing. I'm just going through my ordinary teenage years: stress, tears, love, boys, stress, choices, decisions...etc. I'm reading Ender's Game by: .......i forgot.... And It's a great book! I'd love to read and buy the next books in the series. I've been in a big reading mood lately :) , but Grrr, school is making me read CERTAIN books, and it wastes my time where I could be reading books I wanna read. My english teacher said we'd be working on essays next week a lot and reading a certain book alone with that, so I should finish Ender's Game before that and finish the report to go with it. I'm not worried about that cause I only have a chapter left. Unfortunately, I always wanna read at night when I don't wanna do HW. So, I could and would finish it sooner than during a day or weekend, but then I wouldn't have time to do the project part right after/when I finish the book. So, I would finish the book, then do the project way later? I could, I mean, I have before, but I don't know if I want to. *Sigh....

Life is hard. I learn that the older I get, every moment of everyday. It's annoying. I don't like work. I'll fail in life if I keep that up, but I really don't. I mean, it's more fun and interesting, if the work is more fun and interesting. I like making tunes with music software, I used to write poems (I haven't in a while) and I like to draw. I am a fairly good photographer. There are probably may jobs I'd be good at. But I don't know what, when, how, why or where. That, I guess (and hope) will start coming to me in my later life.

I've been thinking and remembering moments with my boyfriend. Him going to a different school makes things harder than planned. We're really close. On the other hand, maybe it is actually a good idea that we are in different schools. We'd barely last a whole day, being around each other without any hugs or holding hands or something. Hah! But if we did go to the same school, we'd probably learn good self-control. Oh well, it's not happening. *sigh*
Just another thing to add to the "Get over it, Xenia!" list. Hrm... Maybe I'll make one. XD