Monday, December 26, 2011

Dear Annie and Lilly

Dear Annie and Lilly,
I miss you both. Annie, I miss your glowing eyes and your floppy ears, your warm hugs and your soft silky fur. I miss your breath and your snores, your slobber and the way you eat your food and follow me around begging for love. Lilly, I miss your tiny paws and your pussinboot eyes, your soft fuzzy fur and your calming purr. I miss your sandpaper-licks and your sweet smell and the way you watch my every move carefully from the corner. I miss your twitching tail, and Annie's thump. I love you both and I miss your warming affection and love that removes my loneliness.
Sincerely, Xen

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Missing, written 11/25/11

Deep sea blue,
Like waves crushing rock,
Water as tears fill oceans,
Gazing into the pits of my heart,
I stare back, plain and pretty,
The scars are hidden,
Blood stains and purple bruises,
All deeply concealed inside,
Agony and misery,
Cause: unknown,
Selfish, unthankful, ungrateful,
Conclusions leap with uncertainty,
When the shell takes over,
Mind sick of ignorance,
Unhappy, vibes are shared,
Those who love,
Those who care,
Express their feelings too,
Tears swell from cracks so red,
A piece of my heart is lost,
From beginning to now it aches,
Never shall I find the key,
The missing puzzle piece,
Shall he forever be ignorant,
Precious secret; I love him,
Hiding it still, I go on.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Lonely, but Loving Holiday

Forgive me if it's not a very good poem because this is a first copy straight from my journal to my phone and blog...
Lonely, but Loving, Holiday

I was getting tough,
Stretching my independence,
But when I remember you,
My face can't help but smile,
Frosty holidays bring family together,
Shiny decorations gleam,
Merry songs encourage cheer,
So I put on a show,
Singing, I'll smile,
But my beating heart bleeds still,
I remember your spirit,
Rarely can I see.
Love calls me to tears,
Logic holds them deep inside,
Christmas isn't the family, gifts and food,
None of this excites me, it is but false,
Life drains from my mind,
The snowless skys follow me,
They mourn my pain and loneliness,
Only do I regain strength,
Remembering your energy,
Hearing her loving laugh,
Your funny personality.
Without you beloved friends,
I'd drown in my tears of greed,
Your spirits shine through me,
Touching my soul,
You make it snow.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Through a lense

Through a lense

ocean blue waters,
saturate my view,
mind full of flowers,
petals falling swiftly,
treetops standing tall,
assertively guarding us,
caves of pure black darkness,
waves of sky blue clouds,
all but flames waver inside,
yet the burning does not cease,
all is alive yet none is awake,
deadened by silence,
yet sleepy by noise,
peace flying away,
on the tip of bird's wing,
maybe the ocean is calm,
the sound waving of whales,
the lightly moving, gently swimming,
yet the beaches are rushed,
no one feels the wind,
even a seagull's cry is left unnoticed,
although a couple sits still, aware,
through sunset's rays,
they hold hands, and kiss,
golden long hair blowing violently in the wind,
a soft humming song remembers the rain,
could this beauty be genuine,
a call of a crow,
so black and cold,
yet so elegant in flight,
so don't shut your eyes,
keep them open, wide.


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Personal feelings and Social interactions

This year has been a trial, I must say. It's funny, I have a lot less homework this year than last year, but every little assignment we have is now taken much more seriously. The downside to that is that not every student actually takes it seriously (not a change there). For some reason, at school, I've made an effort to fit in and connect with others. I honestly hate it, but I can't really help it. I just get so lonely if I feel like I don't fit with someone. I've actually made a few new friends and got to know older ones better this year too, but that doesn't seem to change my unwanted effort. I guess I sorta have a fear of rejection. I never would have noticed it, but how I act around people showed this to be true. The only real new friends I've made are boys. That's not an all bad thing. I honestly really like boys as people, not just bfs or crushes. In fact, I often wish I was a boy.. There are a few downsides to only making new guy-friends though... Being as they are of the opposite gender, they may get a crush on me. Not to be self-centered or anything, but it actually frequently happens. Especially when they are nerd boys, which, guess what, they ALWAYS are. Why? Just because I already automatically have things in common with them. They are easier to approach. I am a gamer girl. All of the 'normal' guys think that's weird. It actually kinda hurts when I think about it... avoiding that.. Although I love friends like them, I just wish that other guys would notice me too. I  personally 'like' guys more when they are not completely nerds. Nerd boys are like bros to me. Like best friends, not dating guys. I guess that's part of why they are easier to approach. I already gave up on another guy I sorta liked earlier this year because I don't hang out with that crowd, wear make-up, straighten my hair and could NEVER ever dare talk to people in that crowd because, hmm.... I hang out with people who actually HAVE personalities. And those crowds never like people who are different for some reason. It makes me so pissed off and sad. I guess it is just something I have to live with. Honestly, I think Clicks are the main thing preventing my friends and I from having nice boyfriends. Because every stupid teenager on this F-ing planet is a stereotypical idiot.

               Speaking on involuntarily making an effort to fit in with others... I even have this problem with my close friends. Some of my girlfriends. I have one friend that always, I swear, always, agrees with my closest [school] friend like she's a big-sister. We are all three friends, but when I am there, it's like my opinion is incorrect because it is different. So, they both tease me and add, " I love you!!....."s in between. And how can they expect my brain to trust the "I love you"s when they always use them after leaving me out in the dust. I've told them how I feel about this multiple times, but they never seem to notice it and just say, "Oh, you. Why do you worry so much, you know we love you!" Looking deep inside, I know they do. How can I not know. But for some reason, part of my brain 'not-knows'. To add to this, my closest [school] friend is a very assertive/aggressive character. She met a guy online and she and him quickly connected. They are like best friends now. I am really happy for her honestly, but she gets mad whenever I hint at her liking him or vise verse. I learned I shouldn't, but sometimes I can't help it. And so we get into arguments with each other. Stupid arguments over how the other person feels about someone else. As if anyone knows how others feel. *facepalm. Last year I had a friend who was so close (yet so far away) to/from me. For some reason we always felt each other's pain and emotion and were there for each other even though we had absolutely nothing in common. We always shared all of our secrets with each other, and both of us being stubborn, when I didn't like a choice she wanted to make, 'to hell with that'. And both ways. She also had a kind of personality nobody understood. She wore wacky clothing to school to make statements and express herself. And she had fun. When she was there, there were no clicks, no fear of rejection. But this year, she moved. We'd been growing so far apart anyway that I didn't think it'd matter to me, but everything changed. People 'the other crowds' always disliked her, and now I am the memory of her to them because she and I were buds. Now, not only do I not have a bud anymore at all, but everyone has already decided that they know how I am. And I am scared to talk to them (other than the people I mentioned). I have mentioned this stuff before to specific people, but they always have a brilliant way to fix the problems. To me, it's way more complex, hard. And I just live with the loss. I suppose someday, I'll make my way, and come out in the world. That's what always happens isn't it.

Boy Scout/Venture Crew Christmas Party

My church's Boyscout troop and the troop's venture crew (boys and girls)
are having a Christmas party. I am in the venture crew and yes, have many boyscout friends despite the lack of maturity and brains many boyscouts have *cough.... Anyway, I have to prepare something to present, so I wrote this poem. If you're a friend and know people in the Crew or troop and/or are going to the Christmas party, please don't tell anyone about this. Thanks. :) Please comment if you like it.
Frozen, But Not Cold

My heart is frozen,
lost in my mind,
yet I feel it's motion,
it beats without time,

My frozen cheeks turn cold,
crystals form on my hair,
gleaming in the moonlight,
the ice cools the breezy air,

I see the snow gliding,
under the dim light-posts near,
so flawlessly dancing,
not but joyful a tear,

Looking all around,
I ponder the wonder,
the trees gracefully sing,
through the thick, heavy air,

Wishing I could fly,
but content at my view,
I look up at the sky,
filled with gleaming, white hue,

A breeze catching my teeth,
a chill creeps up my spine,
with the warm winter night,
I could never say good-bye,


Monday, November 7, 2011



I dedicate here,
again, once more,
the howl of the wind,
reminds me I'm free.

I close my eyes,
my mind goes back,
to a time I flew through the woods,
full of true understanding,
all I needed, I had.

The deep blue sky,
looks down on me in love,
and my soul sings,
through the trees.

This was my dream,
this, how I feel,
when in love.

Another chance failed,
another boy gone.
Yet my heart doesn't bleed,
my mind still stands strong.

With Annie by my side,
her soft dark coat,
sunlight warming her,
I am invincible.

Praise the Lord,
for he is great and good,
he's sent me a shield,
a companion, a hope.

To rely on a true love,
forever we shall be.

Yet remember, I shall,
it was God who's given,
her warm soothing coat.

It is God who's bestowed,
her great eyes of compassion.

'Tis God's angel,
he's allowed to inhabit her presence.

'Tis God's love,
that holds me together like glue,
who's love shields my strength.

For any tears now,
shall be of thanks and joy.

For my faith has given me love,
and so the howl of the wind,
reminds me I'm free.

And when she goes,
my sweet, loyal dog.

God will send me another angel,
to guide me through my life,
if I just keep faith,
if I simply stay strong,
I am invincible.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Doctor

A poem in the point of view of The Doctor...
The Doctor

The last one of the species,
I'm lost in time and space,
No one like me anymore,
I'm alone from this day on,

I escape the evil,
renew the hope,
just another day,
with my blue box,

I meet fascinating people,
everywhere I go,
yet my joy in life, will never,
be true, without my rose blossom,

She was the sun in my sky,
the light in the void,
I was truly free,
when I saw her smile,

I saved her life,
oh so many times,
but never enough,
yet knowing she's alive,
is what keeps my soul from bursting,

How I loved her so,
never could I see,
until it was too late,
I burned up a star,
Now she's away,

How does one live on,
flying over empires,
always only me,
and my blue box.

If ever could I fall in love,
or even settle down,
would life still be worthwhile,
knowing she's not around?

I was born to travel,
anywhere, at any time.
Yet my friend dwells only,
where I cannot ever go,

My only true companion now,
will keep my hearts from breaking,
with smooth, blue skin,
she keeps me flying,
onward to Serenity.


Flying Fall

This was a poem I wrote in observation.

Flying Fall

When life was given,
the love was taken,
strong hearts were torn apart.

the rain was the sorrow,
like the drops of blood,
flowing from veins,

Nobody could ever know,
even trying to understand,
appears insulting,
nobody ever cared,
the hate and heartbreak,
filling my mind.

The love in life was
sucked away like a vacuum.
so giving more would be,
self-inflicting pain,

why try,
when it's easier to fail,
being born to fail,
that's what I was.

how can hope still surround,
her faith in me,
her love, a miracle,
it's all I need.


Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Love, Hate and Loss

When I first started 9th grade, it was really lonely. I was still recovering from loosing my dog, and now I had no classes with my friends. Luckily, I am doing a lot better now. Happier and such. Here it is:

The Love, Hate, and Loss

Make a mistake,
I notice well,
my voice says:
dumass, bitch, moron.
I know they're a lie.

The world still sees the soul,
hidden behind the bitch,
the filth, the evil,
even I know that's me,

the world turns grey,
all through my eyes,
I see the evil pain,
flying off me in rays,

but to admit defeat,
is to renew the loss,
so a bottle of tears,
remains in my pocket,

how do they see past?
cruelty and truths spoken,
the world sees the soul,
and I've yet to smell the petal.

Confess a mistake,
strength shall enter the mind,
yet instead filth refills,
and demons drag you down,

they make me stab you,
how unfair and evil,
though I toss the knife,
a pencil appears.

How shall I continue,
the long walk of humanity,
when to bear their obsessions,
drives me to hate,

is this evil real,
does the pain ever end,
when I continuously,
always have to stand up again,

Love and hate,
fill my heart,
mistakes like blades,
saw away my hope,

the black heart,
with hate for human evil,
carries the burden,
and blessing, of love.

~ 9/22/11~


This poem Doubt is a bit old.. I've done terrible at keeping up my blog lately... sorry! :(
I wrote it while having the idea of making it into a song someday... So, it has a slightly different style than my normal poems. If I did write it into a song, it may be in a slightly different order too. Anyway, here it is:


Loneliness, I was sure it was gone.
drop by drop it flows to me yet.
I'm driven only by hope now

Hopelessly, however distant or close,
I will always love you,
and it drains the life out of me,

Hopelessly, no matter what I do,
I'll always care for you,

but hopelessly,
I'll always care for you,
and just remember your potential,
and just knowing you're around,

to never be there for me,
never ever care for me,
it makes me wanna crack.

And despite the ache,
and all the loving friends,
my secret's stay inside enduringly,
my face never showing any fear,

with my head held high,
my mind stone strong,
my soul weeps continuously,
without acknowledgement,
I loose faith,

steadily I give up,
lack of patience,
lack of optimism,

feeds the failure,
every time I fall,
now pick me up.


Wednesday, August 31, 2011

R.I.P. Mocha Jamocha Miller

R.I.P. Mocha Jamocha Miller

the time has come again,
to say an eternal good-bye,
the most unknown beloved,
a faithful, loving mutt,

her head laid soft, and quiet,
her golden ears still shined,
with golden brown sugar,
her stare emitted love,

no, I shall never forget her loyalty,
she never bit a soul,
she continued to learn, and listen,
everyday until her last breath,

I learned that nothing lasts forever,
no one forever lives,
but love will burn forever,
it's heat can never be extinguished.

And truly we loved that dog,
forever we will love her,
forever she loves us,
eternal is our binding love,
love is never a good-bye.

~August 28th, 2011~

The Band-Aid, a poem of love, peace, and hope

The Band-Aid

He looked into my eyes,
not a word was spoken,
his arms snug around,
we were surrounded by trees,
only a bird's song broke the silence,
if romance was so, this was so,
a pure moment of peace, love,
to coat the sadness and hurt,
now I want more,
to taste the peace again,
I want the pain to heal,
hoping the peace will mend it,
pleading it will, forever.

Hope, Faith, Love

the scent of roses
when flora is absent.
the absence of war
when anger saturates.
the vibe of wishes
too strong for words.
the proof that the blind see,
that the deaf hear.
the vibe of laughing devotion.


Terrible Metaphors, poem of early August

Terrible Metaphors

Sitting on a beach,
salty air surrounds,
lush green hillsides,
peace saturating my soul,

Sadness always comes and goes,
but peace sits very still,
when angry, peace will hide,
but when surrendered peace will come,
like a butterfly, when you're still,

the storm that blew inside your soul,
must soon extinguish, it will,
the clouds that cover the sky,
must always reveal the blue,

for the truth can be concealed,
but never can it fade,
the tranquil ocean's voice forever sings,

but it's song goes unnoticed,
it can be forgotten, unheard,
so, never forget.


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Summer Ends~2011

Wow, the day after tomorrow, I have to get up for school. 5:30. I'm gonna be a freshman this year. How am I growing up so fast? Anyway, this blog post is meant to be a reviewing post. Let's start with the specifics. I remember in July, I went to the reptile zoo, and I got to hold a beautiful corn snake whose name was Carrot top. I was with my Ukrainian sister Marina, who also held a snake. My Ukrainian sister Yulia doesn't like snakes, so she stayed away.
I also went to camp for the first time. It was a beautiful Orthodox camp, and I felt really free, and loved there, so that was a blessing. I did have some hard times though like when our cabin got pranked. Everyone really believed it, and even though I wasn't scared, I was scared for them, and when I heard them scream, the memory made me cry a half an hour later. Everyone was mad, and felt miserable afterwards. I made some beloved friends at camp. I remember coming home after getting a big crush at camp, thinking that it could be something someday, but he wanted communication to end, and for logical reasons. Of course, my heart was broken, and I cried and cried. But I picked myself back up again. When I got back from camp, an old friend was chatting with me a lot online, a few weeks later we ran into eachother at an old family friends BBQ. We met in the woods in their yard alone... had a moment. It was nice, and it picked me up again. It gave me hope that I was not a failure. He and I talked more, and hung out more. That's when I met his incredible friend. He's a smart, sweet gentleman. But seeing as how he's best friends with the person I recently had a 'thing' with ('thing' not being anything bad, but just romantic) I probably shouldn't pursue any kind-of relationship with him other than friendship. I really need to learn to not want to have a boyfriend so much. Thankfully, I am perfectly content with being single for now, and a while later.
My dog also passed away just Sunday. She was a beautiful, loving, loyal, amazing dog. But she acted like she was dying, or in pain; not eating, not drinking, not moving.. We took her to the pet ER, and they did an ex-ray. She had tumors in her belly that would be expensive, and probably impossible yet to get out through surgery. She was 11 human years old. So it wasn't like she lived a short life. In fact, she practically grew up with me. I was raised with her. Putting her down was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with emotionally. I woke up at 5 in the morning that night, crying really hard. I even woke my parents up by accident, and they came in my room and comforted me. It also hurt a bunch, because I felt like I wasn't loving enough to her in her last days and years of life. Ever since I'd gotten my cat, I'd been the kitty's girl, and not the Doggy's girl anymore. I think that hurt her because she had no one else but my mom who always gave her attention even to the last day. I even had walked her the week before. She didn't seem that ill, she never had, but she was getting noticeably not-caring about things like punishment, walks, food. her health rapidly decreased until she wouldn't eat a dog treat. Mocha, my dog, always fighting for food, not love, wouldn't eat. It was the saddest thing. she just lied down, and rested her head on her paws. Not moving a muscle. What could we do? She knew it was her time. I'm glad that she got a painless death, and a quick one, especially that we caught her before she got worse than that. I wouldn't be able to bear the memory if she was in a worse state before her death. But God bless her, and rest in peace Mocha Miller.
So anyway, all this leading up to the fact that I am going back to school the day after tomorrow. I hope that I will be able to get into the swing of waking up at 5:30. It seems pretty crazy. I am gonna be glad once I graduate that I will no longer have to get up at such an ungodly hour. Good-night, Xenia <3

Monday, August 15, 2011

Summer Vacation with two extra sisters

Having to share for me is something I've never done lightly. If I have an item that is worth a lot to me, or enough for it to be a favorite--whatever it is, I always hesitate, thinking, "Are they going to give it back if I loan it to them." when someone asks for it. But having 2 sisters from Ukraine is really hard. If you say no when they ask to use something, they'll assume that I don't trust them, that it's forbidden to go near that thing, or that I am just selfish and hate sharing. So, anyway, I had to spend a whole week camping this summer in a trailer that is made for 3 people. There were 5 of us. You couldn't walk in there comfortably without tripping, or being claustrophobic. Me? I was both. But I am such an organized person that every time I encountered anything wrong enough for me to flip. I flipped. When I flip. I don't just complain, I yell and get really grouchy, and miserable. Oh lord was that trip harsh. Most everyone was mad at me by the end, and I was so relieved when we got to my grandparents house in Medford Oregon because I would no longer have to share space with those messy girls who stay up all night talking in Ukrainian. They know Russian. I know Russian, but they always speak Ukrainian together, and that is completely different. They are so frustrating. Always trying to get away with things I can't. Grrr! I do love them though anyway.

It's hard being an only child that suddenly has to accept living with two other sisters.
But it's a good kind of hard.


Sunday, July 24, 2011


Never-Forgotten Serenity

The trees and sky,
they speak to me,
their whispers soft and true,
the campground was filled with love,
more than felt in a decade,
the deep blue sky made my heart weep,
even before I met you.

My inner-loneliness,
had been locked away,
love filled the air,
like a sweet perfume,
with vibes saturated with God,
I knew I was never alone.

With the gleam of the stars,
and the patterns of the leaves,
I could glance through the crowds,
and there you would be.

When our eyes first met,
I melted inside,
your angelic face,
heated my heart,
and it burned.

Now, I will never forget,
the last of the nights,
when I marched through the crowd,
my soul, brave and strong,
so you held me,
we danced.

And now that it's gone,
the gleam of the stars,
the forever forgotten loneliness,
the vibes of pure love,
I sit here once more,
Lonely, and in love.

The tears from my blue eyes,
fell light on my pillow,
the vibe of true freedom,
was taken,
now gone,
yet again.



This poem, I wrote a while ago. It is called Care. I wrote it on 7/7/11


Through the tears,
I am strong,
through the pain,
I carry on,
the rejection, puncturing my chest,
like a bullet hole,
deep, dark, and red,
I could never not care,
and always I shall.
Yet my lie infects him,
his ignorant arrogance proves it so,
for fact I sit around plotting,
and laugh with his every wrong,
but the fact that I go on caring,
is to no regards at all.
and it plagues me hearing his words,
the real lies, so bitter, strong,
I care enough to love,
my love was tossed away,
Though ungrateful, hate-loving, angry, I forgive,
God sent me the willpower, either good or bad?
So, I truly sit on waiting, for a forever-lost care.


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Fallin' for him

Yesterday was the 4th of July. So far, every year on the 4th of July since I was ten, I have either had a crush, fell in love, or was in love. Of course, this one was no different. But worse, this time it was someone I swore was an asshole. All my friends knew I knew he was, and all my friends knew I couldn't stand him. So, once upon a time, I started to like him. I denied it, and denied it, and on the 4th this year, I really, truly felt for him. Today, he facebook messaged me. It started out really nice. He was friendly...sort-of. And at first I noticed it was starting to go downhill. The whole conversation went downhill. I have no idea what I ever did wrong to cause it. No idea how I ever 'backstabbed' him. No idea why he doesn't trust me or any of my friends. And absolutely no idea why he calls me a jerk who is just playing around with his feelings. He doesn't believe that I actually care about him. At all. He doesn't trust that I ever did anything but hate him. I have never hated him. Never. He hurt me so badly. It hurt me so badly that he was in such pain, and distress, and won't let anyone help him, won't let himself see his scars. He won't let anyone get near him. He has no friends, because he shooed them away like he did me tonight. He has had tons of girlfriends, and every single one of them has broken up with him. Not the other way around. I didn't even want to go out with him. I just wanted to be his friend. Just wanted to be friendly. And this is all a lie? This, what I am typing right now, on my public blog, is just a set-up to hurt HIM. That's what he thinks anyway. That any little possibility that I liked him, was a lie. I pray that someday he grows up. I pray that someday he will grow up an look back and see himself for what he really was. A complete, utter moronic idiot. He is completely ignorant to everything, and everyone with no social skills whatsoever.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Perfection in everything

I was going for a walk this morning. I realized that the word 'perfect' is overestimated. It does have a true meaning, but people expect that meaning to be 'perfect' as in nothing faulty or wrong, and literally everything to be just right. This is however, illogical because everybody's idea of what is faulty, wrong, or right is completely different, always. Therefore, what many people concluded is that the word 'perfect' has no real meaning, and is a mistaken word in the English language. What I concluded, is that the word 'perfect' has a different meaning altogether. I believe that it's meaning is: anything good. Any tiny, little, piece of anything, that is perfectly good. 'Perfectly' in this case meaning substantially. I also noticed that every single thing in this world has both pros, and cons, both good, and bad. Absolutely anything you could possibly think of has both good and bad. So nothing is 'perfect' like the first definition at the top, but everything has perfect.

Just a thought to leave you on.



Thursday, June 30, 2011

A Real Hell on Earth

Yeah, I'm literally in Allergy Hell right now. If someone were to take a picture of me, I would end up looking like Rudolph. And, that's not a pretty picture. I feel miserable too. My burning nose is itching like hell, and I've woken up to my eyes watering drips of liquid for the past 3 days. Despite the fact that I've also sneezed 6 times at least today already, I 'decided' that i wouldn't take any allergy pills. But at 5:25, I was screaming. I raced to the kitchen, opened the cupboard, and took out 2 Benadryls. I'll probably fall asleep at 9 tonight, but watev. Better than screaming all night long. Yup, well, that's my story. I also spent about 2 hours organizing passwords, and emails, and other random computer stuff to be able to do one certain thing. Other than that, that's my life. Imma Kinda typical geek here. Blast music, fix and set up online accounts, play computer games, and try to live without allergy medicine all at the same time, all day long. Welp, glad that's over with... well at least the fixing online account, and living without allergy medicine part... hehe


^^^my new computerized signature cause they haven't invented easy-access real computerized signature abilities. I'm waiting for them to have computer screens that you sign a doc. with a special pen to sign the blog post. ;)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Bad Day

I had a bad day today. Not as though my image of a bad day is actually bad... well, tell me what you think...

I was forced out of bed this morning by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (my alarm), and the fact that I had to go to the dentist to get fillings, and a cavity removed, and filled. It was... unpleasant. I got a shot in my mouth. That part wasn't so bad. I think the worst part was when they were filling the molar on the top of the same side they got a cavity out of the bottom. Well, my right jaw was all numb, and sore from the shot, and they were repeating over and over, "Open your mouth. Keep it open. It's very important that you keep your mouth open." I tried, I really did, but my jaw was so sore that that whole side of my face was sore through the numbness, and it hurt like hell to open my mouth enough for them to fill the top molar. It was miserable, and probably the longest 2 minutes it takes to fill a molar I have ever have had in my life. Anyway, luckily my one cavity was small, and took about 5 minutes to finish with. So yeah, glad that was over with, I went home, and went to math...homework...MATH...HOMEWORK.... in the SUMMERTIME, and it's not that I'm stupid either. I was offered entry to an honors class, so my parents signed me up... I sorta let them...sorta... But anyway, I come home to a thick packet of math homework that there are 4 parts to; 3 are required, part 1 is finished from a few days ago, and part 3 is probably as long as part 1 and 2 combined. I start part 2, and continue to work on it for about an hour and a half before taking a break to practice piano. I go straight back to it, and work on it for another half an hour. I take a break to eat food. I go back to work on it for another half an hour. I look at the clock and suddenly, it is 5:00. That's when I realize I'm on the 3rd page out of 4 pages of REALLY LONG PROBLEMS, and that I am exhausted. Yeah, I am NOT doing any more math today. I set a goal to finish part 2 today, and a goal earlier in the week to finish all my math HW before July. Now my goal is to finish all of it before July 4th.. Now, do you think I am likely to achieve ANY of my goals... hrm... no! Not to mention that yesterday an amazing plan to hang out with a life-long friend that I haven't seen in 2 years was canceled. I just can't take this misery!!!

Okay, I'm exaggerating.. I had no fun today, so it was the worst day of my life. I have really high standards for life as you can tell. To be realistic here. It was an okay day, I got SOME math done, and I'll probably watch some Dollhouse tonight with my dad. It is also possible that I will be able to reschedule a day this summer to see my old Bestie again. I hope it'll work out though. I also hope you had a more-fun day than I had.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Best Year Ever


The weekend of March 4th, 5th, and 6th was just the beginning of my 2011 adventure. Those were the days of the 2011 ECCC (Emerald City Comic Convention) This was the most special moment of my lifetime, why? I met Brent Spiner, Felicia Day, Amy Okuda, Nicholas Brendon, Clare Kramer, and James Marsters. I shook hands with all of them, hugged Felicia Day, and got a picture with James, Felicia, and Nicholas. It was amazing. It is not something I could ever forget. James was amazingly nice for a blonde, vampire bad-boy. He was a 'gentleman' as my dad called him. We all really liked them. They are really nice people, and I got signatures from Nicholas, James, and Felicia. I can't really describe how special all that was for me. I am in love with them. They are such amazing, talented people, who really inspire me, and make me confident. Thank you so much for being at ECCC in 2011. And thank you lord, for letting me go meet them. :)

On June 4th, 2011, when I thought that nothing better could possibly happen this year, my dad informed me that he had gotten a really good deal on a couple of tickets... A couple of U2 tickets. U2 Tickets for a concert at Quest Field on June 4th, 2011. I never in my dreams imagined that I'd ever go to a U2 concert, but I did. I remember at first the sun beamed in our faces, and the warm up band played down on a stage in the middle of the 'Field' with a colorful canopy over it. There was a round circle screen just underneath the canopy that showed the filming of the concert. Eventually the sun went down, and we were no longer blinded. It grew dark, and a light show began. At one point Bono was singing into a light-up-red steering wheel that hang from a cord. He would lean out into the standing audience that was right next to the stage. Dad said that they paid a fortune to stand there, but we had a great view. They played Vertigo, Magnificent, City of Blinding lights, I'm gonna go Crazy if I don't go Crazy tonight, and many many other songs. They ended with my favorite light show, a disco ball that shined rays of light so thick that I was sure people could see it from the street. During this, the finale, Bono sang, 'With or Without You'. It was so beautiful, I thought I was going to cry, and I almost did. Also, During 'City of Blinding Lights', the circular screen that was just underneath the canopy expanded, and lit up each individual square so that it was a long cylinder that looked like a City of Blinding lights, or a sky scraper with lit up windows. It was so cool, and at one point there were so many colors, and lights in every direction that I thought it was better than fireworks. It was spectacular. It was amazing, so I am very happy, and thankful because I had the best year, I have ever had before.

God bless you,


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Love Life-6-7-11

Love Life

To be in love,
my heart is aching,
I was in love,
and now it's breaking.

Maybe I'm just needy,
I don't have a doubt.
I know that I'm not greedy,
clingy, is a different word.

Life isn't a fairytale,
love isn't a romance,
boys don't follow your trail,
some don't even dance.

When I was in love,
my reality was cloaked,
I wasted my time,
on an impossible hope.

And then, when I found its,
impervious wound,
He just ran away,
locked himself in a room.

No one seems to have cognizance,
he was just so 'mature'.
he understood 'everything',
but I'd known the truth.

Now he goes around lying,
says he never cared,
my care has been eternal,
my apprehension of the emotion,

Using a lie,
to encase an essential lesson,
for an abiding emotion,
is far from mature.

resulting, my independence,
strives forward, fast pace.
For a broken heart,
is mendable,
but a broken soul,
is forever.


Broken Heart-May Poem

Broken Heart

I gave you my heart,
I knew,
you could not take it.

I lived,
it became okay.

Now I blink,
another girl's heart was taken.
You only broke mine.

I am lost,
I was lost,
I thought I was found,
But I am lost.


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Ignorance--April, 2011


The sound of the ocean,
the crush of the waves,
all brings me deep sorrow,
'tis forgotten bliss.

When the wind blows my hair,
my sandy feet sink,
I look along the coast,
all left is frigidity,

looking out to sea,
I think of you,
the hands I can't hold,
the hope I can't share.

When I'm sad,
you sigh,

When you're sad,
I die.

And now,
the ocean calls to me,
the wind, piercing my skin,
the sun, setting along me,
no matter, I can't win.

When I give the sky my heart,
It will rain on me,
the clouds will darken,
the air will turn cold,

and rain will fall,
in tears, of bold.

I see his blunder as beauty,
I see his smile as bliss,
I see his love as wonder,

yet forever, my sight, must cease,
and forever, my sight, shines clear.

Forgive me for having an incomplete date. When I wrote this, I forgot to write, and date, so I had to guess, and all I knew for sure was that it was in April, of 2011. Thanks for your patience. And next time, I'll be more careful. ~Xen

Invisible Beauty--April, 2011

Invisible Beauty

Life was a beauty,
life was a song,
I made life, what I wanted.

I saw the world through a child's eyes.
How I wanted, not how it is.

And when hell hits me in the face,
I see the world as it is,
seemingly unfixable,
opposing perfection.

I miss the beauty,
I miss that love.
it's invisible.


Not For Me--Written in April, 2011

Not For Me

One time,
if I had grief,
I'd think of you,

whenever I was down,
I'd think of you,
there, with me.

Now I see the scene,
the moment is gone,
through my eyes,
it is broken.

She walks past your house,
glancing towards it,
as she slows.

Softly she walks,
her heart beating steady.

Then he sees her go by,
and jumps at the door.

She leaps, yet with feet,
still on the ground.

Not a second later,
she's right in his arms.

His breath, slowly felt,
on the back of her neck.
She closes her eyes,
let not time fly.

The scene carries on,
with my heart left unbeating,
but not bleeding.

Now, when I see it,
the boy stays inside,
the sun goes away,
and rain takes it's stride.

Harder, and louder,
rain leaves her alone.

I am that girl,
alone, in the rain,
for life's too important,
for me to be seen.

The shadow crawls around me,
yet I dare not ever cry,
for my heart can withhold this,
my life, is not guy.


Still--written in March, 2011


My window is open,
the air is cool.

The sun it's shining.
The clouds envelop it.

My heart still beating,
is fast and steady.

My heart, still bleeding,
is sore and stabbed.

My soul still loving,
is tied tight with pain.

Yet the pain is pleasant,
while my heart still beats,

and the tears dry quickly,
with every steady breath.