Thursday, December 30, 2010

Confidence in me, and anxiety

Confidence in me: Yeah, well I've decided to be brave and try again. I can do it! :)
Meanwhile, If you have seen seasons 5 and 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you would know what kind of relationship Spike and Buffy have. Spike, while trying so hard to keep his cool, finds that he is madly in love with Buffy. Buffy however, struggling to keep up with many hardships in her life, is annoyed with Spikes obsession for her. Many thing happen, and I am not going to tell you ANY! Because if you don't know, well, TOO BAD lame-o! Watch it for yourself and become awesome!
Anyway, so there is this guy, he is really annoying because he obviously has a crush on me. I have an amazing boyfriend. I don't like this other guy. But he is always teasing me, harassing me, or trying to prove to himself that I like him back. I am honestly sick of waiting for him to get over it. He decided to go out with a friend of mine after meeting her at a party of mine. I feel sorry for her. I can't tell her that I don't like their relationship because the guy will find that as an excuse for why I 'like' him. WHICH I DON'T. But also, I have to act normal, or try to, which I think I am failing at, or he will think it is a sign I like him back. Anyway, maybe she will teach him something before she realizes his true self. Ugh, I wish I could just go up to his face, cuss him out, and tell him he is unattractive and that I happen to love who I am with. Someone actually suggested this, but I am going with my dad's idea. I don't think cussing him out will work. Every time in the past that I have tried to stand up to him, it backfired. I am so terrible at thinking up come-backs. Grrr!

With love,

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Life. It is so unlike fiction. So unlike fantasy. In movies everything has a certain straight perfectness, even if it isn't perfect. Life, never has perfection. As a perfectionist, this makes things hard. Certain things aren't as perfect as you want. I still haven't told anyone.... I ruined everything. I thought of it all in a certain way. I could have tried again. I didn't. Maybe I was afraid to fail again. I wish I had the strength to do it the right way. The way I have dream about it being. Oh I wish.

Saturday, December 25, 2010


Oh my gosh! It is so agitating when certain people *COUGH get all over you in insults! I am so sick of it! There is this dude and all he ever does is take the time to tease and insult me. No one else notices, but they ask me why I make it a big deal. Its one of those annoying things where someone doesn't believe that a person is as mean  to you as you say. They all think, oh your exaggerating, or oh your taking it too personally, or oh calm down!
Well guess what, I am far from calm involving in this situation!!
No! No! NO!!! I am NOT going to sit there and watch it happen as if all is merry. I am taking a stand to stand up for myself!
And I'm sure you parents will think it is unnecessary, and that if i just asked him to stop, or pretended it didn't hurt you, he'd stop, but he is such a conceded jerk that I doubt ANYTHING would make him stop!! GRRRR!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 23, 2010


All is well. But puberty is bad. I mean Grrrrr.. Thanks for trying to ruin my life puberty!! Grrrr...
Mood swings, are NOT fun. Whether they make me cry or not, they make me feel all grumpy and depressed. Luckily, I think I may be over that one worry stage/point in puberty. Hopefully I am.
One problem I still have though, is going to bed late. Hah! (it's 11:00) ... It's 11:00!!! O.O

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Before I start,
*Heavy exhale and sigh!

Why is it that certain boys rush things, then are too embarrassed to simply hold hands anywhere near other people?? As soon as you get a boyfriend, whether other guys know it or not, everybody starts showing interest in you! Hints, guys never never NEVER get hints. Umm, my hand is over there because it wants to be held, not because it is comfortable!! Sometimes I just get so sick of boys!!! They are so..... GRR!!!! Plus, they ALWAYS forget to compliment you once you are their girlfriend.... It's like they don't need to be polite or show interest in you once you are their girlfriend. I mean, if thats the case,  Whats the point!?!?! >:(

So, when I first became friends with the boyfriend I have now, we would chat and chat on facebook every single day. Always sharing, always relating. Suddenly, there is no need for him to even think about his facebook. Maybe he is just a busy person now that he is in High school. Maybe I am just taking everything seriously when i shouldn't be. But whatever it is, I miss him. Thats it, I said it. (that wasn't so hard, now was it?) I guess thats just it, I miss him, thats all. I mean I could have said that easier, but Nooooooo, Xen has to be all thoughts, all feelings, all talk... HAHAHAAaaaaaaaaaaaa...... Oh boy... I think I'm going crazy, Bahahaaha!!!

Dear Dj,
I wish you read my blog. Maybe then, you'd know me better. Also, I wish you went of facebook at least one of those times I stay on waiting for you. I go on facebook, not to facebook, but to open chat and wait for at least SOMEONE to chat with me. Or.... you. I loved watching a movie with you today. Though I wish we weren't so timid about your relationship. [haha, half the time I was anxious about when you were gonna hold my hand.--glad thats over with-- ;) ] I wish I could describe in words how much I love and care about you. I also wish we could continue learning more about each other by spending time together. I sincerely hope we can keep this connection for over a year.
Love you always,
Ксения Василия <3

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Sitting all alone,
but not.
Always, all alone,
but not.

I cry and cry,
for where is my guy...
мояa любовь

I race in anger,
out in the frozen cold,
with your great gown of glory,
of beauty, of love.

Your dear baby Jesus,
sends me blessings from above.

Though I feel it often,
I am not alone.

Through my selfish desires,
I wish everything just right.
But it's not perfect.

My eyes,
glistening with pain.

This will pass, this will pass

You, my love,
my true love,
are more precious than flesh.

And I have yet to understand it, and learn it.

But love for flesh,
no matter how strong,
can never compare,
 to your beauty,
your grace.

For God, is always here.

God is my love,
he is perfect,
what I truly need.

No, none will ever understand me, you, us,
But you do understand me.

Whenever in need,
you lord, are here.
And you understand me truly.

I may still cry,
for the fear of the unknown.
But now, I do know,
there is no need,
and never will be.

Because no matter what the unknown may be,
and no matter what my choice,
you, my lord, will always be here for me.

Does peppermint cure depression?

Yeah, yeah. Just when i think I'm over it.. I cry again. Sometimes I just wish ppl got a clue. But I never feel like giving them. Even my parents noticed that today at church David barely paid any attention to me. He came over to me, all embarrassed to be affectionate, at all. Then, said hey, and left. No good-bye, anything. He never calls me, he'd never on facebook. And now, he is too busy to hang out today. I don't go to his school. I don't usually go to his church. He doesn't talk much... NOTHING. Everyone asks, "Do you wanna break up with him?" My answer is no. Though, I sometimes wonder if I should. I think I'll take a walk outside, or something. I think I shall read. Outside. All blehy... and maybe write. Maybe there still IS a chance of me getting over this mood-swinging session. I doubt it. It feels like the kind that will last. So far, it has.

Friday, December 17, 2010


I've been listening to Coldplay~Parachutes (the album) and Owl City~Vanilla Twilight. I can really relate to Vanilla Twilight and I love Don't Panic, Shiver, Spies, Yellow, Trouble, Everything's Not Lost....(etc...) I'm really emotional right now. It seems like my boyfriend only ever cares about sports and football, and sports. Its selfish to think this, and I probably only think this because I only ever see him on weekends, but there's other stuff too. This is also selfish, but I sometimes wish I fell in love with someone who came across as wanting to relate to me. I am an artist all the way. I love style, and love finding my style, and expressing it. I learned that he isn't an expressive person like me. But he doesn't even seem to have a style or want one. He probably will never read this either. Whenever he has free time, he's probably watching football. *Sigh.... I feel bad writing this, knowing that it will be public. But I feel the need to openly express these feelings. I still dream inside of maybe someday he will be able to open up to new things and find his inner-self which seemingly couldn't possibly JUST be football, I mean... Seriously? I know we are very different people, but I still love him forever more. I am an expressive person who can't get enough of the action or experience in life. Everything is too plain for me. I Love change. Another thing about me is that because I am an only child, I have ALWAYS had this deep longing for connection. And It's hard when you fall in love with someone so different who doesn't like changes. I would never want to even THINK about imagining giving this beautiful relationship up. That may be why this distresses me sometimes. I truly love my dearest beloved. And know I will forever. Not necessarily in the same way. In fact, not in the same way. But I will always love him. And this type of love I'm feeling now, is gonna last for a long time more. I refuse to give up. Not here, not now, and not any time soon. So don't think doubts will influence me. I love him too much.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

In memory of My Dearest Beloved

Poem in Memory of DJM, written 12/9/10

The stormy wind,
the pounding rain,
was once a lonely, weary thing.

The dark hollow sky,
now filled with freedom.

The empty world,
now filled with charm.

My once wounded heart,
now carefully mended.

My forever loneliness,
now draining away.
Because of you,
I live, each day.

I am listening to Vanilla Twilight by Owl City... Over and over and over again..... I don't think I will ever stop. :)

Thank you for being mine for 8 months. Happy Anniversary!! <3

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The wind

Here's a poem i wrote today in Science during a movie. (shh) I go the idea in Mr. Scott's class. (shh again)
During the wind storm. :) Here it is:  Enjoy:

The Wind

The wind, it calls for me.
with it's deep piercing scream.
My heart, bawls for it,
but lingers forever more.

The wind, it rushes,
through the soft rustling leaves.
It calls for me,
it screams.

Why are you there?
When you could be with me?
Why aren't you flying,
through my afternoon breeze?

I am stuck here,
dear soul.
I would love to go soar,
but my body is caught here,
in a net full of gore.

My love is aflow,
my body down low.
And my spirit,
it burns for the wind.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Descriptive 3

These are 3 of the poems I have written. But these I am sharing with you because they most express how I feel right now. The dates underneath them are when I wrote them. :)
Wishing trees grew taller still,
wishing the blue sky sparkled always,
wishing the birds were always out,
wishing the animals all got along,
wishing that all was in harmony.

Wishing loneliness never came,
wishing rain didn't agree to it.
The sadness,
I wish it wasn't there,
when I miss you.

When I remember our moments,
of laughter and joy.
I wish, wish that all,
was like that.

Wishing my allergies,
didn't bother me,
after I kiss my soft, loving, cat.

Wishing my neighbors house didn't catch-fire.
Wishing everyone could feel the joy I feel,
and take pleasure in it.
From the wind blowing leaves,
past a bright blue sky,
to the sound of rain, pounding the rooftop.

to the sound of birds,
the smell of the air,
from October to December,
from January to Spring.
I can sense the sweet smell of the seasons,
it brings back great memories,
it makes me smile.

Just wishing, all the happiness,
and pleasure I experience,
could be shared forever with you.
I smile at the rain,
I smile at the wind,
I smile at the storms,
I smile at the rainbow.

After all those smiles,
you'd think I'd have no more.
But most of all, I wish,
that everyone knew,
exactly how I feel about you.

How it is to be in love,
how it is to hold your hand.
How it is to have someone to lean on,
whenever I need them.
That is why, I wish you were here.


What You've Done To Me

I don't know how,
and if you had asked,
I wouldn't know why,
But, you've brought out my best!

I used to be a pessimist,
not too confident,
and shy.

But when I received your love,
my world started to shine.

I'd seen the world as a lonely place,
where everyone had someone special,
except me.
With my closed-mind,
I saw my close friends,
and never noticed the rest.

Now, I look all around,
for a new opportunity,
to befriends those in need.
Because when I was without you,
I needed one too.

I have recently noticed,
the wonderful gifts in life.
Just the sight of the sky,
makes me feel so light!

Like I have everything,
I could ever want, and more!
That I always have and I always will.

The only problem, is finding it.
But with you in my life,
it's found.


True Beauty

A dark gray sky,
greyish, whitish, blueish,
the chirp of birds,
a robin's call,
the quiet flap of a crow,

out of quiet warmth,
came a rush of rain,
pattering the ground,
like soft, heavy feathers,
but after awhile, gone and warm again.

A peaceful quietness,
the soft blow of wind against my face,
a sudden rush,
of blinding light,

the sun comes out from behind a cloud,
the clouds clear up,
a deep blue sky appears,
out of the once nothingness,
and happiness fills the air,

bees come out,
buzzing around the trees,
wasps, with their evil look,
land on wood,
to sniff and find,
a home to make.

Later a pair of sparrows,
flying with anger,
chase a crow,
away from their prickly nest.

As blue as water,
as thick as pudding,
as fluffy as cotton candy,
the sky looks down on me.

The strong wish,
that I could share,
the true beauty,
that surrounds me today,
and nearly everyday.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

My relationship

I feel very content, yet like it could be better. We have been together so long, and learned so much, yet we still aren't perfect. We never will be. 

Sometimes the 'he' in your relationship just can't get it right. It'll never be like in the movies. All perfect, all graceful. Thats something I need to get over. I know it, but I need to still comprehend it. Sometimes 'he' goes too fast. Or at all the wrong times. Again, I need to comprehend it. At other times, 'he' isn't feeling 'that' way when you are, and/or just doesn't get it.

However, sometimes 'she' (or in this case, me) doesn't get it either. 'She'/I may seem to 'always' make a move at wrong times, (even though more graceful than 'him') and/or never understanding quite how 'he' feels. Or understand him the wrong way...
Agh! Why is it so complicating!?!?! 

Also, how do you feel when your staring into 'his' face, waiting for him to call you beautiful... But it never comes... No matter how many times you call him gorgeous, handsome etc.... Ahh! They never get it! *sigh... I guess it can be the other-way-round too, can't it?

Btw, we still haven't had the 'first' (kiss) yet. In my head I tell people, "working on it" but in real life I realize it is something that neither I, nor he should worry about and that it will come when it does. I am just mostly worried that it will come at the wrong time, or a bad one, or sometimes that it just won't come at all.

Also, is it normal to have a relationship for 7 (8 on the 9th) months? People have huge 'things' about it when that happens as if it is a BAD thing. The thing is, when you truly like someone, you get connected to them in a way that is indescribable. I call it love. Love, devotion...yea. Well, some people think, "You are Waayy too young to be in love, person!!" 
And I say, " Its not the age, but the level of maturity and understanding in a person that counts."
thinking to myself: "Dude, YOU are WAY too young to be in love."
Anyway, I like it. Those screwy, faky-relationships that last 2 weeks are SOOO over-rated. I mean, Come-on!! Your not gonna learn anything or have any worth-while experience if you have a 2 week relationship. Thats just plain stupid.

Anyway, Thats my say for today about relationship-ness. :)

~Angelkitty out~

<3 U DJ ~And I'm not afraid to say it~

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Music Making

My dad found and told me about a website where you can make your own music with free sounds. Ever since, I have had so much fun creating and listening to music that I make on my own. It is really fun!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Out with the Sea

A colorful world,
full of crystal,
and glow,
gleams down on me,
and the world bellow.

The sun shines,
and gets brighter,
all the while that I stand.
Then I meet a nice guy,
he grabs hold of my hand.
So we walk a long ways,
talking alone in the sand.

And the world,
it shines brighter,
every dune that we reach.

And eventually we get to a point,
where we teach.
We never actually noticed.
But then after we reach,
the world completely changes.

I look up into the sky,
it flies down past me.
I slowly close my eyes,
and hope it's not a lie.

I open them again,
to his blue, dreamy gaze,
my long, blonde hair,
blows past my shoulder.
I wait.

But then the tide comes in,
I'm not ready to leave,
though the furious waves,
simply shove me away.

We run up the shore,
his hand held in mine.
And we reach a place,
where we must say goodbye.

He holds my hand firm,
looks me straight in the eye,
and says, "Baby, I love you, 'till the day I die."

I feel stiff inside,
my heart beating fast.
I don't know what to do,
what can I? Leave too?

The next thing I know,
my vision is blurred.
And my hand is alone.

I dry my eyes,
as quick as I can.
And think to myself,
"Where is he? My man."

I race back to the waves,
now higher than before,
and look out to the clearing,
and down the sea shore.

He's nowhere in sight,
not a place in the world.
I fall down on my knees,
towards the bushed and trees.
My face in my hands,
and with a piercing scream,
I'm gone.


Just sitting here,
tears dripping down my face.
Melting into the paper,
of my undone assignment.

A clueless mind,
a saddened heart.
No one will understand.
They never understand.

Never understand,
how it feels,
how I feel,
to make a mistake.

This is how I always felt,
with a wet face, I'd cry and cry.
And felt miserable forever and ever.
Even when I was a baby,
I hated mistakes..

Even then,
I cried.

Picture Upload Testing~Facebook Find!

I found this beautiful mermaid on a facebook 'like' page about like Dragons, fairies, and other mythical creatures.. I think...(if I remembered correctly)