With joy I stayed by the cage a while longer; I remember it was a tall thin cylindrical/hexagonal/something cage and there were strange things in it. Like a portal or something, it felt weird and gave off a weird energy. At first I looked for my bird that I had just released to his "habitat" and I couldn't see him. I remember craning my neck to look around the cage from different sides as if I needed to look around obstacles to find the bird. At first I couldn't find him, but then I did.
All of a sudden another bird flew from one side to another (as if it was a large enough cage--it wasn't but somehow it did) past my view in a cage, and as my eyes followed him, another bird came out and was flying around. Colors and colors and feathers. Suddenly, birds popped out of everywhere and there were so many of them. All colorful. The cage was crowded. There was no way they could all fit there. Where did they all come from? They were different sizes and different shapes, and I remember then feeling deeply sad.
There was no room for them to fly or live. This was no life. But they were "pet" birds, and couldn't be released into the wild where I was, so I thought. I must find homes for each of these birds. They deserve a real life and not one trapped in an over-crowded cage. My mind was going through lists of friends or people who I could gift a bird, but none of it seemed to fit. Nothing was okay. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by the emotions of helping all these birds to live a satisfying and fulfilling, good, free life. I felt deeply sad and it was injust.
Before that, same night, I had a dream that I was rock climbing at the gym. But this time, I was going with a new friend who had never gone before. I was upset because my normal climbing buddy (Tony) was not able to be there for whatever reason. He had more important things to do like ski or climb mountains or something with someone else who was not me. I remember demonstrating a route to a friend. We were going to go top-roping, but she wasn't belay certified like I was, so she couldn't belay me. I climbed up onto the wall just to test out the route she was going to do and show her what she could try or how it might work. All of a sudden, I found myself at the top of the wall and I was stuck. They holds I had climbed onto were small and difficult to maneuver. I looked behind me, expecting a belay down and that's when I realized that I wasn't attached to a rope or harness because my climbing partner Tony wasn't there for me anymore. So, carefully, with my life on the line, I focused my willpower and found myself steadying on some challenging holds in order to safely down-climb to the bottom. I remember losing balance momentarily in one of my limbs and having to swing with all my strength on some of the others instead. I was high up enough to break my back and legs and have serious problems. But I steadied myself and climbed down successfully. I remember feeling betrayed, and sad. That this wouldn't have happened if my friend wasn't there, and I felt impatient with the whole situation in trying to teach a friend something that to me you just learn automatically by trying and doing it. Impatient.
A third dream, one that I recall was near the bird one, involved me running into the mother of one of my ex boyfriends. This was the last dream I had last night. I went upstairs to a floral shop. One of the birds was up there flying. Perhaps the original first bird that was my friend. He was like a fairy.
Anyway, I remember seeing her, and saying. Hello. I was happy to see her. Despite how fucked up she made her life and how toxic her family was, she was someone I once knew and I didn't really care about all that shit. I care about people deep inside themselves. So, I said, "I thought I should come say hi." And I don't remember anything else much. Just the bird, and some floral decorations and glass pots with perfumey stuff in them. It was like her shop or something and she was tidying up. Despite my kindness, I felt the same unease that I always felt around her in real life. Like she was lying to herself and everyone and how could you trust someone like that. It was all about how things appeared on the outside and not how they actually were on the inside to her. Then, I thought about my ex. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach as I recall this. I wonder how he is doing now in life. What he is doing. I imagined him having tattoos now for some reason. Who knows where he is. But it's probably much less exciting. I left him as a boy who didn't have his license, lived at home and walked to the local community college. Last I heard he was fucking an older woman. I remember thinking, he always loved fucking more than people themselves. Remembering him makes me sad. Not because I miss him or anything about my past, God forbid, but because there was so much hurt, and trash and garbage that I always felt within him and his family. Sure they did it to themselves, and they never chose to get out of it. but it felt disgusting to even be around. It felt sad and horrible. I don't know why or how, but I have always been so sensitive to bad things. Negative energy perhaps. I hope things are better than they seem and that they are getting better for them. They cut me completely out of my life when I broke up with him, but that was for my benefit and their loss.